Doctors are to be required to be able to soar through the air like a bird following a new directive from Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Fucking Hunt
In an impassioned speech on Thursday, Mr Hunt said it was “critical for patient safety”.
“I’m not concerned with detail. If they can fly then they can see twice as many patients. I have a vision of a 7 day NHS where Doctors flap around perching on chairs and curing patients without being weighed down by paperwork, logistics or science. We’ll be heavily fining any hospitals that fail to comply and if they still won’t do it, I’ll have no option but to sell the whole sorry service to an American healthcare corporation.”
The move is just one of a series of directives aimed to tackle issues within the NHS thought to be down to either lazy Doctors and nurses, or immigrants, or both, but absolutely not due to under-funding at all.
“If they really are so overrun, and I strongly doubt it, is there any reason why admin workers and support staff cannot also perform basic operations like appendectomies? ” Mr Fucking Hunt asked parliament.
“We’re not asking them to fly. Just perform feats of super-human strength, jump very high and scale walls with spider-like suction power.” He reasoned.
Mr Fucking Hunt has assured members of the public that if his directives are followed then no-one will ever be ill again.
“Ironically the cuts instigated by Mr Fucking Hunt himself means that we are too underfunded to assist him with his own complex issues.” One consultant explained.