David Cameron has reportedly flown to Washington to ‘tell’ on his senior ministers who have tried to speed up a referendum to pull out of Europe behind his back. Education Secretary Michael Gove has apparently received a text from the Prime Minister saying “You wait, I’m telling on you. Then you’ll be sorry” before David Cameron flew out to see Barack Obama. Speaking off the record Mr Gove told us “I can’t believe the scheming little toad has grassed me up again. It’s just like when I tried to bring back O-levels, he just runs off to Obama. If I get in trouble with Obama again he’ll launch a drone strike on me.”
Mr Obama has stated that he will be ‘firm but fair’ in dealing with any errant British Ministers “I don’t really approve of David telling tales but I’m also going to be very cross if you don’t stay in Europe. It’s not up to me to tell Britain which way to vote but I’m still going to. And if I can’t rely on Britain to persuade Europe to do my bidding, I’m going to have to find another country to be my gimp.”
Also on Cameron’s naughty list to Obama has been Secretary of State for Defence Philip Hammond who told us “I can’t believe he snitched on us. But I know which way he walks from Parliament to Number ten. I’m going to ambush him and give him a Chinese burn.”
A parliamentary insider told us “Most of us have already been grassed up by Cameron when we were all at Eton together. Sometimes for soft drugs but normally for frottage or buggery. There’s usually a few MPs waiting for him somewhere with wet tea towels. That’s why you never see him go anywhere by himself”.
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