Attractive women with large breasts to quit independent Scotland

Alex Salmond has suffered his biggest blow so far in his campaign for the yes vote in the ‘Should Scotland be an independent country?’ with this morning’s news that all attractive large breasted women will leave Scotland en masse.

Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference, Prime Minister David Cameron explained “I am told by informed sources that unless a formal monetary, regulatory and currency union were agreed by an independent Scotland with the rest of the UK, which also included some kind of compact on taxes, all birds with huge norks would feel obliged to move both themselves and their relevant financial interests to  England.

“They won’t go too far I wouldn’t imagine. They’ll probably conglomerate around Northumberland or Newcastle.”

Alex Salmond has played down the news which he has described as scaremongering and sabre rattling and has insisted that a Scottish Government would have a contingency plan. “In any event,” he explained “I will be using some of my huge presidential salary to surgically enhance myself with a pair of jubblies. That will encourage other large breasted people to return to Scotland. And if it doesn’t, I will of course be parading my own cleavage around the streets of Edinburgh every Saturday evening. It’ll be a welcome cheer for those who’ve lost their jobs at standard life.”