Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has today urged party activists to start swearing like troopers as he launched the party’s campaign for the English local elections.
“We’re not simply a protest vote. We’re the only party you can rely on to break up our otherwise dull manifesto with a liberal sprinkling of profanity along the lines of piss, shit and monkey cocks. We’re all going to sound like Gordon Ramsay with Tourette’s syndrome. And I’m chief sayer of the word cunt. That speaker John Bercow is going to give himself laryngitis saying “Order! Order!” to us. Because every time he says order, we’ll say cunt.”
One member of the public told us that the new change of direction seemed like a breath of fresh air. “I’ve listened to Nick Clegg and his views on the fucking economy, bastard education and the sodding health service. It’s about time we had a potty mouthed Government. He gets my vote.”
The change of policy for the newly renamed Liberal Mothafucking Democrats appears to have caused an enormous surge in popularity for the hapless junior coalition members, with many people swapping the UKIP posters in their windows to new ones saying “I’m voting Lib Dem bitch”
UKIP leader Nigel Farage has conceded that this could not have come at a worse time just before European and local elections. “This is an absolute disaster. I knew I shouldn’t have sacked Godfrey Bloom.”
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