Osborne pledges £2 billion to chums he sold the NHS to

NHS cash

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has pledged £2 billion of public money to some of his former schoolmates via the formality of the NHS which he has helped sell to his rich chums.

The news released in the middle of the night on Saturday has been heralded by the owners of private healthcare suppliers as a “victory for common sense”.

A spokesman for the treasury told us  “It’s not enough to flog it off to the highest bidder. We now need to syphon off as much cash as possible before Labour renationalise it. Look it’s Saturday night. We’ve all had a drink. This isn’t on the record is it?”

Indeed speaking from a dinner party with several healthcare company owners the Chancellor himself said “They’ll never see through it. We’ll leak the story now on Saturday night so it’s all people are talking about on Sunday. There aren’t any journalists here are there?”

Much of the cabinet have embraced the new craze for deciding policy and telling people about it late on Saturday night to make the news on Sunday. Health Secretary Jeremy fucking Hunt told us “GPs won’t stop wittering on about needing extra funding to work all those evenings and week-ends. So I’ll be using a large chunk of that £2 billion on paying a friend of mine to make some spread sheets and pi charts which will prove once and for all that GPs can work much longer hours without any extra funding.

“You’re not printing any of this are you?” he added.

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