Cameron pledges more resources to lying about NHS

A Conservative only Government will earmark extra funding to lying about the NHS according to Prime Minister David Cameron.

Speaking at the party’s spring forum Mr Cameron said “The NHS is very important to me and we want to keep it as a lovely memory. I for one am going to look back on it wistfully and even in some ways lament it’s demise. But only the Conservative Party will ring fence funds for telling people it’s still there when it isn’t.

“Many people want to vote for us because Ed miliband ate a bacon sandwich. But they also like to moan about not getting an appointment straight away with their GP. Now if we go around telling them that  in the future there won’t be an NHS and they may not be able to afford life saving operations like in America they might get all lefty on us. So we need to concentrate on our lying.

“By 2020 every single thing we say regarding healthcare will be bollocks.” He promised.

The news comes as Health secretary Jeremy fucking Hunt has announced sweeping changes including fast tracking patients for appointments who shout loudly at staff and doctors being available round the clock even for non medical matters such as plumbing and grouting tiles.

“If you run into your Doctor in a supermarket they will be obliged to examine you on the spot. Or if you know where they live, you can just pop round and see them.” He explained.