Government Trade Union bill to disperse groups of one

A new Government bill could give police powers to disperse groups of one unless they are wearing an arm band, a top hat, and have 14 forms of identification under proposed amendments to trade union laws announced today.

Business Secretary Sajid Javid said  ” It’s not enough for these people that we have more job vacancies where people can work every waking hour. Now they want paying every single month, a day or two off at the end of the week and sometimes even a lunch break. We have to nip this criminal behaviour in the bud.

“They might not be standing around with a placard shouting or ‘protesting’ exactly, they’ve become much more sophisticated than that. They might not be doing anything or they might just be looking a bit shifty. Of course under the new legislation, any demeanour other than a general air of quiet optimism will be considered to be an unauthorised picket line.”

Despite criticism from human rights groups the Government have insisted that the new rules fully comply with European legislation on the matter. “Most of the time they do anyway, apart from the groups of one bit.. And apart from the two way cameras on all trade union members’ televisions.” Mr Javid explained.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said that anyone seen hanging around in a group of one should expect some sort of reprimand.

“Two eyes, two hands and two nostrils united together with a common purpose and egging each other on. They’re going to have to go their separate ways. And we’ll be making sure they don’t regroup somewhere down the road either.”