“Thanks Beardy! You’ve got me until 2025!” says May


Theresa May has the best part of a decade to do whatever the fuck she likes unchallenged and unhindered thanks to the British public’s steadfast refusal to trust a man with a beard.

Reacting to the news of Labour’s poor performance in recent polls Mrs May said “This basically makes me your Queen. Or one of those African life Presidents. I’ll upset everyone, tell lies and find new excuses for austerity measures that even Cameron and Osborne couldn’t think of. You’re fucked but at least you know where you are. And that’s fucked. But better the devil you know than someone hiding behind a thin mask of facial hair. It could be anyone the other side of that whisker constructed facade.”

Indeed, former Labour Leader Neil Kinnock has warned Labour members that Britain has not elected a man with a beard for the top job since Benjamin Disraeli and unless Mr Corbyn offers a more defined cleaner shaved position or Mrs May decides to trollop a big bag of hormone pills and grow one herself , any hopes of the party regaining power may be hanging thinly in the balance.

“Anyone could be hiding behind that bush. Anyone. David Miliband, Arthur Scargill, possibly even me. That’s why I’ll be voting Conservative.” He explained.

One former Labour voter told us “I agree with all his policies but there’s something not quite right. I can’t seem to put my finger on it. So I’ll be voting UKIP even though I hate everything they stand for. Paul Nuttall hasn’t got a beard.”

Jeremy Corbyn told us he was 7 out of 10 leaning towards being disappointed by the news.



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