Masterchef won by bloke who cooks with his arse

Arseterchef

BBC executives have been left fuming following leaked information that this years Masterchef, all filmed in advance, was actually won by a man who used only his anus in preparing all dishes.

Set to be shown on TV at some point next week, Surrey man Bert Onions apparently wows the judges and wins his heat by not only making his own pasta but shaping ravioli using his sphincter. According to the leaked document, Bert then goes on to wow the well healed clientele at the Ivy by producing a high volume of canapés and petit fours again using only his bum cheeks.

One insider told us “We’ve had that many series of Masterchef now we really needed someone to do something a little differently. Bert just came onto the set for the auditions and started playing classical guitar. We were going to send him packing until we looked behind him and saw that he’d simultaneously made a Beef Wellington!”

Footage has already been released on You Tube of John Torrode saying “If he’s going to come out on top, he’s going to have to pull something out of his arse. And he has.”

The footage also shows Bert in action with a bidet fitted next to his cooking station. “Obviously cleanliness is very important. The others have to wash their hands. Obviously I have different requirements” he tells Greg Wallace.

Michel Roux who has just been sacked by the BBC has gone on record to congratulate the prematurely announced winner and wish him luck with his new venture, ‘Arserie Brasserie’.  “He’ll be swapping his brown star for a Michelin star in no time” he told us.

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