Theresa May “Father Christmas to report illegal immigrants”

Father Christmas will be expected to report all persons suspected of not being from round here and not being in possession of the relevant papers, according to new Government legislation announced this morning.

Home Secretary Theresa May said that anyone thinking they could just come over here and enjoy a pagan festival which was hijacked by Christians and then hijacked again by Argos, would have to face a home invasion by a man with a white beard who would be required to ask a number of probing questions before dishing out any presents

“He can already tell whether people have been bad or good but up until now appears to use his own criteria for this, rather than the legal framework from a sovereign nation.” She explained.

Whilst the moves have been welcomed by most right wing politicians, some have doubted the efficacy of employing Mr Christmas in such a role. UKIP leader Nigel Farage voiced concerns that on discovering illegal immigrants he might feel tempted to say “Ho ho ho! I won’t dob you in. After all it is Christmas.

“He’s a Turkish concept bastardised by an American soft drinks corporation. Worse than that, he lives in fucking Lapland which is outside the EU and I don’t think he has any sort of working visa to conduct his business over here. Yet we’re putting him in charge of reporting other immigrants. They’ll all be his mates. And that’s why he hasn’t reported any.” Mr Farage explained.