UK ambassador to EU resigns as EU countries refuse to speak English

The UK’s ambassador to the EU quit due to not understanding what anyone was talking about it has emerged today.

Speaking to John Humphreys on the Today programme Sir Ivan Rogers said “I was originally given the job when I said I could speak eleven languages. I can’t really, but it didn’t matter because everyone seemed to speak English. After this Brexit business they all stopped and to be honest I’ve just been nodding my head and smiling randomly since last June.

“Now everyone’s just speaking gibberish.”

However former Work and Pensions Secretary and Brexit cheerleader Iain Duncan Smith has lambasted the reasons for Sir Ivan’s departure as ridiculous. “We need to scotch this myth of different languages. If we shout loudly and clearly in the Queen’s English then they’ll all follow suit.”

However Sir Ivan has hit back and said it is actually the British side that he has been struggling with. “We have translators for the foreign languages, but when Theresa May tells me to go out and broker a red, white and blue Brexit I can’t find anyone to translate that into English.. And we’re going to make Britain great by ducking out of the world’s biggest free trade agreement? They can’t mean that can they?”

Prime Minister Theresa May has denied any such confusion. “We’re having a metaphorical Brexit. But on the other hand it’s quite real. And yet it isn’t.” She clarified.