US President Donald Trump is to begin a mass deportation of toddlers following reports that statistically they shoot more people in America than Islamic terrorists.
“I was planning to deport Muslims but it turns out toddlers are the real killers. Well they can go back to Toddlerstan. We won’t tolerate them accidentally setting off firearms as a direct result of our lack of gun control.”
Mr Trump also warned of immigrants who used to be toddlers entering the US. “The trouble is, when they grow up they just look like normal people. That’s why we have to make sure they were never younger than 25. And we’ll find that out by waterboarding.” He explained
British Prime Minister Theresa May said that she agreed or disagreed with Mr Trump’s policy depending on who she was talking to, the public mood and how near an election it was.
“I voiced my disapproval through a look. But then I melted into his arms and we went out for a candlelit dinner. I don’t want him to trade me in for a newer model.”