The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
A vacuous celebrity has published a book that can stop you being fat and it is available at all good book shops. The book which follows hot on the heels of the success of another book, by another celebrity, who also wished to use their experience of being on a television show or something to […]
Newly discovered Planet 9 can fuck off back to its own solar system and stop enjoying a free orbit around our sun according to right wing astronomers. “I’ve just taught my kids the solar system, dutifully missing out Pluto now that isn’t a planet any more. I thought I was doing the right thing. And […]
A heterosexual couple have today demanded that they be in some way marginalised from society despite being white, heterosexual and middle class, and have demanded exactly the same rights as gay people had before they were allowed to get married. Charles Keidan and Rebecca Steinfeld spoke of their fury at being categorically denied access to […]
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has refused to confirm or deny that either he or a member of his close family scooped a lottery jackpot of almost £30 million yesterday. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show Mr Osborne denied that the win would change him. “It’s not that much really. And anyway it’s not […]
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has vowed today to press on with cuts to the NHS that would virtually eliminate funds for GPs to carry out home visits where they strongly advise monkeys to desist from jumping on the bed. Speaking on the Marr show, Mr Hunt said “Obviously we expect Doctors to turn up at […]
Sexually promiscuous people trying to pick up a dose of gonorrhoea have been urged to get on with it, whilst it can still be cured in the event that they decide afterwards that they don’t actually like it and want to get better. A spokesman for the Department of Health told us “Right now we […]
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has confirmed today that the Government will sort out all the recent flooding by way of a series of harsh cuts in public spending. Speaking to people in the north of England via the television, where he was being interviewed in a nice dry government building in a city […]
All disaffected youth are to be made to watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang as part of moves announced today by the Government to cut crime to levels to those found in 1960’s musicals. Justice Secretary Michael Gove said “We need to return to a golden age where Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Mary Poppins and The […]
Police forces throughout the country have been arresting their last burglars this afternoon before signing off at about 3ish for a well earned two week Christmas break. “I’m sure it’ll be fine” One custody sergeant told us “Theresa May thinks we only need about two policemen to keep the country safe anyway, and there’s bound […]
Climate change is simply stuff’n’nonsense peddled by hippies to mask the real issue that they need to get a job and a haircut, the world climate summit in Paris has concluded today. Representatives from over 200 countries, who had all flown to Paris by plane, are thought to have spent several minutes standing outside in […]
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