Secretary of State for Health Jeremy Hunt is set to go on strike imminently having balloted himself earlier on today.
Stonehenge summer solstice party to end at midnight
April 23, 2016 by 1 Comment
Revellers celebrating the summer solstice at Stonehenge this year will be expected to vacate the site by midnight, in order to make it clean and presentable for paying visitors the following day, according to the latest diktat by English Heritage. A spokesman for the charity, who are entrusted with charging people for things they already […]
Bognor Regis to replace pebbles on beach with mini-chocolate eggs
March 24, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Bognor Regis is expecting a stampede of tourists this week-end following the council’s decision to replace the pebbles on its beach with mini-chocolate eggs.
McDonalds to ban only people who like McDonalds
March 1, 2016 by Leave a Comment
McDonalds are to ban the only people who can bear to eat their food, following the revelation that some of them also like to get into fights. General Manager for Britain and Ireland, Filet O’Fish, said “We’ve no idea why cheap mass produced food in tacky surroundings brings in the wrong people. But we’re getting […]
Unemployed bloke still banging on about chemtrails
February 19, 2016 by Leave a Comment
An unemployed white man with dreadlocks is still banging on about chemtrails, emboldened by the lack of evidence for them. Tarquin Moonbeam of Amersham, Buckinghamshire, came into the spotlight having broken two world records. One for talking about the same thing constantly for nigh on 20 years and the other for making a single pint […]
Ranulph Fiennes to climb the Bristol Stool Chart
February 14, 2016 by Leave a Comment
British adventurer Ranulph Fiennes has announced today that he intends to prove that advancing years are no handicap by climbing the Bristol Stool Chart unassisted. Mr Fiennes full name (Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, 3rd Baronet, OBE) will climb to the very top of the chart whilst simultaneously performing the relevant bowel movements at each stage. The […]
Acupuncturists cover NHS strike
February 10, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has extended his most heartfelt gratitude to acupuncturists who stepped up to the mark to stick pins in patients affected by today’s Junior Doctors’ strike. Speaking from outside St Mary’s hospital Paddington Mr Hunt said “We’ve been short of Doctors today, but luckily if you stick pins in people it’s better […]
Vegans to take a month off
February 8, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Vegans are planning to take a month off in order to take stock, realign their life goals and eat ham, according to a statement issued today by the vegan society.
Jeremy Hunt “Parents to perform appendectomies”
February 2, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Parents should routinely perform appendectomies on their children, elderly relatives and indeed themselves rather than stretching valuable NHS resources according to the Secretary of State for Health Jeremy fucking Hunt. Speaking to the cast of Holby City Mr Hunt said “Doctors are all a bit 1990s and people simply don’t need someone fannying about with a […]
New strain of scurvy resistant to oranges and lemons
January 24, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Scientists have warned today that a new strain of scurvy which may be resistant to oranges and lemons is on the rise. The vitamin industry has come under fire after repeated calls to invent new vitamins have been ignored. A spokesman for the British Medical Association said “We’ve been a little bit too reliant on […]
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