The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
A group of more than 20 festivals including T in the park and Bestival have banned the practice of sporting long hair. Seen as part of a new drive to make festivals more streamlined and efficient a spokesperson told us: “We’ve no issue with smartly presented boys and girls who’ve come to sensibly listen to […]
Secretary of State for Health Jeremy Hunt has told patients that rather than attend surgeries or hospitals they should merely obtain their GPs mobile phone number and send them a selfie. Speaking on the Marr show this morning Mr Hunt explained: “I’m not a Doctor but I saw one recently and I used to regularly […]
What appears to be a man dressed up in a rabbit costume has this morning issued a countrywide plea to the public to shun organised religion and remember the real meaning of Easter. “It’s all about the eggs, ideally ones that are mass produced by huge corporate confectionery companies. My job is to deliver chocolate […]
The Department of Transport have warned motorists to allow plenty of extra time for their journeys today as it is thought that the entire population of Britain and much of Northern Europe will be heading for Cornwall today to enjoy a well earned break over the Easter week-end. A spokesman explained “It’s all going to […]
Smokers throughout the country are today celebrating the Government’s decision to remove branding from cigarettes, making it impossible to distinguish which brand you have, and thus making smoking more unpredictable and exciting. One smoker in Australia which legislated to make smoking more fun 2 years ago explained “Life used to be so bloody predictable when […]
A new study published today has urged people to consider their health and stick to eating animals that have eaten not just five but at least seven portions of fruit and vegetables a day. Lead investigator Dr Oyinlola Oyebode said “We would suggest that people just ate seven portions of fruit and vegetables themselves but […]
A man on the television has today told members of the public that rather than the world heading straight for an environmental apocalypse, it’s actually all going to be fine. Speaking to housewives, the long term unemployed and people taking a crafty sickie, under the guise of a conversation with Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby […]
The medical profession has united as one this morning to issue a stark warning to Secretary of State for Health Jeremy Hunt “Don’t ever get ill.” One GP told us “I’ve made it quite clear that whenever I see that Jeremy Hunt, no matter what his affliction, I’m going to repeatedly prescribe him estrogen until […]
David Cameron has called an emergency COBRA meeting this morning as news of olive oil not being any better for you than vegetable oil has sparked isolated riots throughout West Hampstead, Richmond and Godalming which look set to spread to other affluent parts of the country. One rioter in Surrey explained “All my life I’ve […]
A spokesman for the British Chiropractic Association has gone on record to say “It’s all bollocks. It doesn’t do anything. We just like punching people in the back.” “You have to see it from our point of view. We tell you people that we can cure your back pain by punching you in the back […]
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