The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
British adventurer Ranulph Fiennes has announced today that he intends to prove that advancing years are no handicap by climbing the Bristol Stool Chart unassisted. Mr Fiennes full name (Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, 3rd Baronet, OBE) will climb to the very top of the chart whilst simultaneously performing the relevant bowel movements at each stage. The […]
Health Secretary Jeremy fucking Hunt is enjoying a well deserved week-end off after a tough week imposing non-evidence based legislation on an already over stretched medical profession. The Monday to Friday stint included part of a long battle to win the hearts and minds of the medical profession by completely ignoring them, a tactic which […]
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has extended his most heartfelt gratitude to acupuncturists who stepped up to the mark to stick pins in patients affected by today’s Junior Doctors’ strike. Speaking from outside St Mary’s hospital Paddington Mr Hunt said “We’ve been short of Doctors today, but luckily if you stick pins in people it’s better […]
Suggestions of any relationship between Jeremy Corbyn and David Cameron’s mother have been dismissed by all sides today as nothing but rumours and tittle tattle. One parliamentary source told us “They may both be making a stand against the Conservative Government’s vicious cuts, but anyone saying that they are even just good friends, let alone […]
Portsmouth City Council Leader, Donna Jones, has described reports of immigrants and refugees mitigating the effects of limited financial assistance by creating delicious meals made cheaply out of fresh ingredients, as abhorrent. “Hello. McDonalds. Hello.” She told a heaving press conference in Guildhall square this morning. “Poor people should eat Findus crispy pancakes, white bread […]
Matt Le Blanc has been called in to co-host Top Gear, in a last ditch attempt to flog a dead horse before finally sending it to the knackers yard. A spokesman for the BBC defending the move said “Unless we get casual racism from a big teethy bloke with curly hair, no-ones interested in cars […]
Parents should routinely perform appendectomies on their children, elderly relatives and indeed themselves rather than stretching valuable NHS resources according to the Secretary of State for Health Jeremy fucking Hunt. Speaking to the cast of Holby City Mr Hunt said “Doctors are all a bit 1990s and people simply don’t need someone fannying about with a […]
Members of the House of Lords have warned in no uncertain terms that they will go on strike unless their payment of £300 a day for turning up at the Houses of Parliament is increased. Millionaire conservative donor Lord Farmer said “No-one wants to go on strike but how can anyone survive on £1500 a […]
MPs are anxiously awaiting the results of the punch up in Dover today in order to finalise British policy on immigration. One Dover local said “I had previously regarded the far right with some amusement and I was planning to ignore them and get on with my day. Now it’s all going to be decided […]
The leader of a monumentally wealthy pack of cunts that have found themselves born into the ruling classes has this morning denounced all Calais refugees as a bunch of migrants. “They’ve been told by that Jeremy Corbyn that they can simply come over here and have free cake.” Mr Cameron explained whilst simultaneously reaching for […]
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