Babies face car smoking ban

Babies and young children are set to face a ban on smoking whilst in cars depending on the results of today’s House of Commons vote in a move that has divided politicians and motorists alike. One motorist we spoke to told us “It’s absolutely ridiculous. My 18 month old has no concept of the dangers […]

Fury as bear ham found to contain virtually no bear

The food industry is today facing another crisis as reports come in that the much loved ‘bear ham’ in the deli section of supermarkets may sadly contain little or no actual bear. Richard Lloyd, executive director of Which?, called for more effective use of resources and tougher penalties. “No one wants to see another incident […]

Prince William saves endangered species by shooting all other animals

Prince William has vowed today to save endangered species by shooting all other animals until their populations reach similarly low levels. Speaking to Royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell through a megaphone the youngish royal explained “There may be only a few thousand rhinos left but if we decimate the population of deer with a shoot fest, […]

Salmond will rule an independent Scotland like an African dictator

An independent Scotland will be forced to accept Alex Salmond as a life long President who is likely to desperately cling to power by force until he reaches his mid eighties according to a statement from Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking whilst fending off missiles being thrown at him by Somerset locals, the Premier warned […]

Tube strike in jeopardy as drunk commuters vow to drive trains themselves

The first of two 48-hour strikes on the Tube is already being branded a failure as many passengers ruminating on the day’s events in the pub, have vowed that in absence of a driver tomorrow, they will step up and drive the trains themselves. This latest movement for commuter led direct action appears to be […]

Prince Charles opens Somerset lido

The Prince of Wales has met residents and farmers in the flood-hit Somerset Levels to offer his congratulations on what is probably the biggest open air lido in the world, apart from some of the Great Lakes and the sea. Declaring the lido open and cutting some tape with a pair of scissors the Monarchic […]

Gove “We’re going to sack all the birds and the lefties”

Education Secretary Michael Gove has confirmed today that the removal of Baroness Morgan as chair of the education inspectorate for England is just the beginning of a new policy of sacking anyone who votes Labour and isn’t a bloke. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show this morning, the Education Secretary assured voters that in future  all […]

Prince Charles tells skeptics “Be more scientific except homeopathy”

  Heir Apparent to the British throne Prince Charles has issued climate change deniers with one of his firmest rebuke yet “Stop running around like headless chickens and start taking note of the overwhelming scientific data. Unless it’s homeopathy.” Speaking at the Young Sustainability Entrepreneur awards, the apprentice King explained  “All of a sudden, and with […]

Andy Coulson “up the Faraway tree” when hacking tape was played

Andy Coulson was not in the office on the day a reporter allegedly played him a hacked voicemail message, as he was up the Faraway tree, the ex-News of the World editor’s barrister has confirmed. Journalist Dan Evans said on Tuesday that Mr Coulson had been “excited” on hearing the message left for James Bond […]

Bernard Manning wins Celebrity Big Brother

  Bernard Manning has surprised his critics by probably becoming the first ageing racist comedian to win Celebrity Big Brother. Our Big Brother correspondent explained “He started off very unpopular and initially he seemed a surprise choice of candidate. But to save his career he pressed on trying his best not to offend too many […]