The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
Pop hit factory guru Simon Cowell has announced that he will be launching a new Saturday night prime time singing competition to find the next Lemmy, following the death of the former Hawkwind bassist and Motorhead front man. The new show is thought to be judged by Cowell himself, Cheryl Cole, Louis Walsh and some […]
Prime Minister David Cameron is to visit flood hit Venice as a show of solidarity with the locals who have found themselves surrounded by water. Speaking from outside a COBRA meeting regarding the recent flooding, Mr Cameron said that he would personally be travelling to Venice, either by way of private jet or at a […]
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has confirmed today that the Government will sort out all the recent flooding by way of a series of harsh cuts in public spending. Speaking to people in the north of England via the television, where he was being interviewed in a nice dry government building in a city […]
All disaffected youth are to be made to watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang as part of moves announced today by the Government to cut crime to levels to those found in 1960’s musicals. Justice Secretary Michael Gove said “We need to return to a golden age where Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Mary Poppins and The […]
Police forces throughout the country have been arresting their last burglars this afternoon before signing off at about 3ish for a well earned two week Christmas break. “I’m sure it’ll be fine” One custody sergeant told us “Theresa May thinks we only need about two policemen to keep the country safe anyway, and there’s bound […]
A large company has today taken the edge of its employees’ anguish at working for the minimum wage at the most expensive time of year by making them wear Christmas hats. In a memo to all employees a spokesman for the company’s senior management and directors said “We’re not giving you a pay rise or […]
British “astronaut” Tim Peake is not on a space station at all and is merely sitting in his living room in Putney which he has redecorated to look like a space capsule according to leading experts. Speaking via the medium of Facebook one expert told us: “Wise up sheeple! The whole thing’s been fabricated. If […]
Father Christmas will be expected to report all persons suspected of not being from round here and not being in possession of the relevant papers, according to new Government legislation announced this morning. Home Secretary Theresa May said that anyone thinking they could just come over here and enjoy a pagan festival which was hijacked […]
Black-cab drivers are to be forced to forget the knowledge and instead use either a sat-nav or just drive around in circles like a twat hoping to finally stumble on their destination, according to new legislation announced by the Government. David Cameron warned that climbing into a taxi whose driver had some sort of fucking […]
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has this morning ruled out any state assistance for northerners with fancy water houses which enjoy running water of up to 3 feet high through the downstairs rooms. “I’m all for a northern powerhouse but if they think we’re paying for their oop North surrogate Venice then they can […]
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