British workers have asked Prime Minister Theresa May for cast iron guarantees that their wages will carry on falling, and to ensure that they don’t have enough money to pay bills and get ideas above their station.
Leadsom “Male zoo keepers will just try to shag the animals”
July 16, 2016 by 1 Comment
Zoos should only employ female zoo keepers, as the male ones would only try to shag the animals, according to former Prime Ministerial candidate Andrea Leadsom. “I’m only saying what we all know. Would you leave a man in charge of your zebra? Not if you don’t want him to be up to his nuts […]
Portsmouth park to become shrine to Margaret Thatcher
July 10, 2016 by Leave a Comment
A park in the centre of Portsmouth is to become a shrine to former Conservative Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher including a 30 foot statue surrounded by right wing topiary.
Jim Bowen to open Yorkshire fracking site
May 24, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Jim Bowen is to open Yorkshire’s new fracking site and commentate on the fracking as if it were an episode of Bullseye, according to a vote passed today by North Yorkshire county council. One Councillor explained “We need to show the public that contrary to common opinion, fracking is lovely, smashing, super, great, fantastic and […]
Cameron nicks a car for his wife
May 23, 2016 by Leave a Comment
David Cameron has shown himself to be a man of the people by twocking a car from a nearby estate, which he apparently plans to give to his wife. Reg Grundy from the Blackbird Lees estate in Oxford said “I couldn’t believe it. I saw someone out of my front window trying to break into […]
Londoner rents space between arse cheeks for £500 pcm
May 16, 2016 by Leave a Comment
The London housing market has again come under criticism following the news that a Londoner is renting the space between his arse cheeks out for £500 per calender month to one lucky tenant, subject to deposit, credit checks and references. Described as an attractive “tradesman’s entrance mews” property with its own underpant garden, the accommodation […]
Cameron “I didn’t do it but I won’t do it again”
April 6, 2016 by 1 Comment
Prime Minister David Cameron has assured a concerned British public that he has never benefited from offshore tax havens and has also promised that this will absolutely be the last time and he will never do it again.
Francis Bacon self-portrait vandalised by monkey with a sponge
March 18, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Sotheby’s have admitted they will be lucky to get any serious bids for a rare self-portrait by Francis Bacon after it appears to have been vandalised by some sort of demented monkey with a sponge, thus leaving it looking nothing like him. A spokesman for the prestigious auction house said “It’s all smudged. This is […]
Coca-Cola to include cocaine again
March 17, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Coca-Cola are to get round the sugar tax by replacing some of the sugar in its drinks with cocaine according to a statement released by the ultra-sugary drinks giant this morning.
Northern towns to revert to being in black and white
March 14, 2016 by 1 Comment
Northern provincial towns from Hull upwards are set to return to being in monochrome following more difficult decisions from the Government this morning.
News Toad 
You must be logged in to post a comment.