The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has this morning ruled out any state assistance for northerners with fancy water houses which enjoy running water of up to 3 feet high through the downstairs rooms. “I’m all for a northern powerhouse but if they think we’re paying for their oop North surrogate Venice then they can […]
Cyclists don’t need lights on their bikes at night because they’re special a new report has concluded. A spokesman for the National Association of special cyclists said “In the 1970s and 80s it was all about having a big light on the front, one on the back, reflectors and high visibility jackets and armbands. “Get […]
Jeremy Hunt has told today of his encouragement at the silent support of 2% of Junior Doctors who have said they won’t go on strike in protest against his reforms. Speaking to John Humphrys on the Today Programme Mr Hunt explained that Doctors were stupid and didn’t understand numbers. “However, for every 98 Doctors that […]
A racist bloke in an office is still going for it like a trooper, two full working days after the Paris shootings and showing no signs of giving it a rest, according to reports from workmates. Feeling sufficiently vindicated by recent events to continue wittering on indefinitely, Mr Daley Mayall, of ‘We sell any car’ […]
Britain is to continue naming increasingly lame storms until such time that someone has to think up a name every time there is just some weather. The news comes as Storm Barney approaches Britain’s East coast causing disruption to picnics and outdoor card games. The Met office have advised widespread school closures, once lessons have […]
The Government have refused to comment today on reports that a UFO was spotted on a number of occasions by independent witnesses in different parts of London over the week-end. One witness Mike Diaper who had been taking an evening stroll through Blackheath told us “It was like a yellow light that shot up into […]
Prime Minister David Cameron has voiced an impassioned plea to the general public to only shoot live ammunition at Trick or Treaters as a very last resort. Speaking on ITV’s daybreak, he told the nation that whilst nobody should have to endure home visits from people dressed up as creatures of the night, firearm usage […]
A spokesman for the department of Health has confirmed today that the Government will be taxing any food, phrases or general behaviour that can be traced back to cheeky mockney dinner-monger Jamie Oliver. “We’ve been under pressure to think about public health and well being and admittedly we may have had our heads in the […]
There’s no doubt these days that smoking makes you look very sophisticated. But style doesn’t always come cheap. And with the price of alcohol going up as well, a relaxing evening blowing smoke rings in a debonair fashion up at the bar of your favourite beer or wine emporium can be tough on your pocket. […]
Police are to pretend to stop watching the Ecuadorian embassy until such time as Julian Assange, fooled into thinking the coast is clear, pokes his little head out and tries to do a runner. Earlier on today officers from the Metropolitan Police are understood to have left their positions standing in front of the embassy […]
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