Blair “Labour should be right wing and start wars”

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair has told Labour Party MPs that they must become a right wing party and promise to start a few wars in order to be successful in this year’s general election. “Labour need to go far more towards the right. In fact more right than the conservative party. That’ll confuse them. […]

Conservatives to hunt the deficit on horses with dogs

David Cameron has pledged to reduce the deficit at all costs even if it means hunting it down on horses with a huge pack of beagles. “We’ll have Christmas day off” he explained “and then on Boxing Day we’ll assemble en masse for a cheeky glass of sherry before riding around the countryside blowing horns […]

Piece of toast to contest labour leadership

Labour Leader Ed Miliband has said that he will fight every step of the way to keep his leadership and stand for Prime Minister in the forthcoming 2015 elections, as news broke that he has been formally challenged to a leadership vote by a slice of toast. One Labour insider told us “It was just […]

Reckless in rage as Rochester white van filled with illegal immigrants

Newly appointed UKIP MP Mark Reckless has told of his rage that the now famous Rochester show home and white van rather than being a symbol for working class white Britain were in fact both filled to the brim with illegal immigrants. Foaming at the mouth Mr Reckless bemoaned “The flags and the white van […]

Ed Miliband to step down as Labour leader

Ed Miliband is to step down as Labour leader with immediate effect, in what is seen by many as a last ditch attempt to see if Labour can win the next General election, without needing to form a coalition with the one surviving Lib Dem MP. A labour party source told us “If he’s managed […]

All Scotsmen to get a free wash and valet

All Scotsmen are going to get a free wash, wax and polish if they vote No according to a pledge signed today by Prime Minister David Cameron, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg and Labour leader Ed Miliband. It is not clear whether all Scotsmen will be wheeled through a mechanical wash on a conveyor belt […]

Salmond “All politicians are bastards except me”

First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond has confirmed this morning that all politicians, English, Scottish or otherwise are bastards except him. Speaking at today’s press conference the SNP leader and Yes vote monger told us “I’m focussing on people who are in the Better together camp but really even those in the Yes camp are […]

Osborne “Lifting people out of poverty will be bad for the economy”

Labour’s plans to lift poor people above the breadline by working towards a living wage for all have been slammed by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne as bad for the economy and unconducive to growth Speaking on Andrew Neil’s political chat show ‘Afternoon Bollocks’ Mr Osborne explained “It’s all very well someone going out […]

Nick Clegg “I’m not resigning but I might grow a moustache”

Deputy Prime Minister and Leader of the Liberal Democrats Nick Clegg has confirmed this morning that whilst he will not be heeding calls to step down from either position, he would be willing to grow a patch of facial hair above the lip in order to revive the fortunes of  the ailing party. The statement […]

Old people piss their pensions up the wall

Old people throughout Britain are already starting to piss their pension pots up the wall following Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne’s announcement that they no longer have to buy an annuity with their pension pots and are well within their rights to blow it in one night. One pensioner we spoke to told us […]