Butchers prepare for busiest day of the year as vegans take day off

Butchers are preparing for their busiest trading day outside Christmas as vegans throughout Britain approach their annual day off this week.

Rolf Harris confirmed as Strictly contestant

Rolf Harris has confirmed that he will be entering Strictly Come Dancing as a contestant for the forthcoming 2017 competition. 

Blair to get police caution over Iraq war

Tony Blair is set to get off with a caution over starting the Iraq war as it is his first offence according to a spokesman for the High court.

Defend Europe ship forced to defend Libyan Captain

A spokesman for The Defend Europe ship has today defended having a Libyan Captain and Crew due to difficulties finding Europeans to man it.

Brexiters celebrate British independence by dousing chickens in toilet duck

Brexit supporters throughout the country have been celebrating British Independence by dousing their chickens in toilet duck, thought to be a prerequisite of any trade deal with America. 

Trump to impose travel ban on short people

US president Donald Trump is to impose a ban on short people entering the country unless they have bona fide business there.

Get angry with people on the telly say austerity-mongering millionaire Tory MPs

Multi-millionaire Tory MPs, who claim expenses for second homes, have urged the public to get angry with people on TV.

Paul Golding announced as new Doctor Who

Britain First leader Paul Golding has confirmed that he will be making his acting debut later this year having been offered the role of Doctor Who.

Britain First to boycott Wimbledon following decision to sell Halal strawberries

Britain First leader Paul Golding has confirmed that he will boycott Wimbledon this year following the competition’s decision to sell only Halal strawberries.

Swivel-eyed loons bribe God-bothering homophobes to form isolationist government

Austerity-fetishist food bank deniers the conservative party have given some homophobic God-botherers a billion pounds or two to agree with them for four years as Britain makes preparations to unnecessarily withdraw from the worlds biggest single market.