Thousands of immigrants are due to arrive on Britain’s shores within the next few days on a fleet of luxury cruise ships according to a shock report released today.
Boris “Anyone saying I’ve gagged them should shut up”
March 8, 2016 by 1 Comment
Mayor of London Boris Johnson has insisted today that none of his staff have been gagged over the EU referendum and any that say they have should shut up.
Will and Kate taunt poor people with tax payer funded holiday
March 7, 2016 by Leave a Comment
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have released a series of photographs of their tax payer funded trip to the French Alps in an attempt to taunt poor people and laugh at their angry little faces. “The Duke and Duchess hope you oiky little people enjoy the photos,and subsequently lament your own serfdom.” A Royal […]
Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall consummate their marriage
March 4, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Media mogul Rupert Murdoch and former model Jerry Hall are reported to be consummating their marriage at this exact moment according to sources close to the pair. Reports that neither have been seen live on any internet footage for a matter of minutes in the aftermath of their earlier nuptials have led to widespread speculation […]
Government to earmark bungalows for tall people
March 3, 2016 by Leave a Comment
The Government are to move all disabled people and pensioners out of local authority owned bungalows and sell them to tall people, according to plans announced today.
McDonalds to ban only people who like McDonalds
March 1, 2016 by Leave a Comment
McDonalds are to ban the only people who can bear to eat their food, following the revelation that some of them also like to get into fights. General Manager for Britain and Ireland, Filet O’Fish, said “We’ve no idea why cheap mass produced food in tacky surroundings brings in the wrong people. But we’re getting […]
Ku Klux Klan to let in black people
February 28, 2016 by Leave a Comment
The Ku Klux Klan is to finally let black people become fully fledged members as long as they are prepared to wear silly hats, according to the press release issued today from the organisation. Appearing on the organisation’s website the message read “We’re all descended from immigrants anyway so we realised the futility in our […]
Festival under threat as McCarthy and Stone build Glastonbury retirement flats
February 27, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Glastonbury festival is thought to be under threat today following news that McCarthy and Stone have received planning permission to build a retirement complex just yards from where the main stage would normally be situated. Land owner Michael Eavis said “I was initially against the idea but then it occurred to me that I’ve had […]
Osborne warns of further spending cunts
February 26, 2016 by 1 Comment
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has warned of further cunts to public spending in next months budget. Mr Osborne said that global economic turmoil and slower growth meant undertaking further reductions. But not ones with a single shred of morality. “We’re going to have to make some more difficunt decisions” He explained. “I’ve looked […]
BBC “molested other channels”
February 25, 2016 by Leave a Comment
The BBC used its influence as Britain’s most senior television channel to molest other TV channels over several decades, according to results of an inquiry released today. One industry source told us “It was all a picture of decency until the end of the day’s programmes. There was a quick round of God Save the […]
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