Queen urges legal high binge before law changes

queens speech

The Queen has urged all subjects to have a proper binge on legal highs before they are made illegal in her speech today. Speaking on the first day of parliament her majesty said “My Government will ban anything that looks like a drug, sounds like a drug or smells like a drug with the obvious […]

Gove hints at releasing Florence Welch in time for Glastonbury

florence welch holloway prison

Justice Secretary Michael Gove has given his strongest hints yet that lead singer of Florence and the Machine, Florence Welch could well be granted parole in time for festival season. “We all like listening to Florence and the Machine at home but it’s not quite the same as watching it in a field whilst drinking […]

Britain braces itself for hottest weekend on record

alexis green

Britain is bracing itself for what is likely to be the hottest week-end on record after news from the Met office has suggested that at some stage we are likely to have a weekend hotter than any other weekend that there has ever been before. High street retailers are thought to be anticipating record sales […]

No foreigners to vote in referendum on multiculturalism

eu referendum

Foreigners are to be excluded from the forthcoming referendum on whether the United Kingdom wishes to remain part of Europe, which might result in more of that multiculturalism, according to David Cameron this morning. “We can’t have someone who is European born and has been working here and paying taxes for twenty years casting votes […]

Immigration caused me to grow women’s tits

womens tits

A Conservative/UKIP floating voter has appealed to the Government to do anything in its power to halt immigration for fears that it is causing him to grow women’s tits. Jobless Bert Onions from Burgess Hill told us that he had done very little himself but sit around and eat Iceland pies since the early 1990s, […]

Osborne “We can increase productivity if everyone wears a helmet”

osborne helmets

Britain is likely to increase productivity if everyone stands around wearing some sort of helmet and high visibility jacket, whether they have a job or not, according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Himself wearing a safety helmet and proudly nowhere near the vicinity of any building site, the Chancellor took time out from […]

Gay cake row bakery ordered to make cake shaped like enormous cock

gay cake row

Ashers bakery in Northern Ireland has been ordered by a judge to make a cake shaped like an enormous todger as part of a compensation package for its homophobic practices under the guise of religion. The firm which offers ‘exclusively heterosexual and God fearing patisserie’ was found to have discriminated against a couple who may […]

Great Camerondo to magic 7 day a week NHS without paying for it

great camerondo

Prime Minister David Cameron has become the envy of magic circle heavyweights such as Paul Daniels and David Copperfield after announcing to the British public “I the great Camerondo will magic a seven day a week NHS without paying for it!” “And following that, for your delight and amazement I will recruit 500 extra GPs […]

UNITE back Ed Miliband as next Labour leader

Len McCluskey

UNITE leader Len McCluskey has told union members this morning that they’ll be backing Ed Miliband as new Labour party leader. A surprise for some who were expecting some sort of debate at the forthcoming July conference Mr McCluskey said “I’ve thought long and hard about this and we’re backing Ed all the way. And […]

“Calm down dear” Cameron tells Sturgeon

cameron sturgeon marriage

David Cameron has today asked Nicola Sturgeon to “calm down dear” and not to get her knickers in a twist following demands for more fiscal powers for Scotland made by the SNP at a meeting held today. According to sources present the Premier who earlier told reporters that he was off on a hot date […]

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 425 other followers