Henry Kelly to lead pro EU campaign

Henry Kelly

The heat is on the and time is right according to the campaign for Britain to stay in the European Union, who have this morning announced the appointment of none other than afternoon Euro quiz icon Henry Kelly as their leader. In his first press conference as a serious political figure Mr Kelly assured critics that […]

Cameron urges poor people to stop it

cameron poor people

David Cameron has today delivered a once in a generation speech to the nation in which he urged poor people to stop being poor right now and making everyone feel guilty. Speaking at the finale of the Conservative party conference the Prime Minister said “I’m going to end poverty once and for all with this […]

Short people to be excluded from living wage

U.K. Government's Business And Energy Minister Matt Hancock Interview

Workers who measure in at under 5ft 6″ in height are not “productive” enough to warrant being paid the new National Living Wage and as a result shouldn’t get it, according to Government Minister Matthew Hancock. Speaking at the Conservative Party conference Mr Hancock said “Everyone knows that short people are less likely to change […]

Osborne “We are the party of the night”

conservatives party of the night

George Osborne has confirmed today that all future Government meetings will be held during the night, with Ministers retreating to darkened rooms to sleep in the day time. The news will not surprise many journalists who have inexplicably found it impossible to arrange press conferences in the daytime, unless indoors with no windows, for some […]

Catholic church warns God to stop making gays

pope gay

The Catholic church have asked God to ruddy well pull his socks up and stop making gays, as the synod on family issues opens this morning. A spokesman for the Vatican said that God was being irresponsible and according to the esteemed book of Leviticus would risk being severely punished by himself. “If he insists […]

Zac Goldsmith to give his butler day to day Mayoral duties

zac goldmith butler

Conservative mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith will hand over many of his day to day mayoral duties to his butler whilst he himself engages in such activities as eating canapés, drinking champagne and fart-arsing around on his yacht, should he win the election in May 2016. Speaking to a selection of constituents at the opening of […]

Native Americans celebrate as Trump vows to kick out immigrants

Native Americans Trump

Native Americans are celebrating today following Republican leadership hopeful Donald Trump’s assurances that should he become President then all immigrants and descendants of immigrants including himself will be sent back to their own countries. Mr Trump, full name Donald Trumpety-Trump said “Who do you trust to kick out all immigrants including myself. Trump! And you […]

Britain First vow to help keep racist night clubs afloat

Britain First clubbing

Members of Britain First have vowed to put their glad rags on, sport their dancing shoes and support any West end night clubs that might suffer a loss of business for racist door policies. Leader Paul Golding told us “We hadn’t realised these clubs were operating a racially prejudiced door policy and quite frankly we […]

Nestle and Coca-Cola fight over who owns Martian water

Mars water

Representatives of Nestlé and Coca-Cola are at loggerheads today as both laid claim to all the water apparently found on Mars, each arguing that they had bagsied it first. Nestlé chairman Peter Brabeck-Letmathe said “Now Mars has been shown to have water then it could conceivably sustain primitive subaquatic life forms. And if these basic fish […]

London House Prices back to normal now cereal shop shut

ceral killer

London House prices have this evening gone back to roughly the same as the rest of the country thanks to a group of plucky protesters who today assisted in shutting a breakfast cereal shop in Shoreditch. One protester told us that he felt a warm glow knowing that not only could people once again buy […]


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