Acupuncturists cover NHS strike

accupuncturists

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has extended his most heartfelt gratitude to acupuncturists who stepped up to the mark to stick pins in patients affected by today’s Junior Doctors’ strike. Speaking from outside St Mary’s hospital Paddington Mr Hunt said “We’ve been short of Doctors today, but luckily if you stick pins in people it’s better […]

Jeremy Corbyn and David Cameron’s mother “Just rumours”

corbyn and cameron's mother

Suggestions of any relationship between Jeremy Corbyn and David Cameron’s mother have been dismissed by all sides today as nothing but rumours and tittle tattle. One parliamentary source told us “They may both be making a stand against the Conservative Government’s vicious cuts, but anyone saying that they are even just good friends, let alone […]

Vegans to take a month off

vegans month off

Vegans are planning to take a month off in order to take stock, realign their life goals and eat ham, according to a statement issued today by the vegan society.

Portsmouth locals fury at immigrants cooking with fresh ingredients

donna jones

Portsmouth City Council Leader, Donna Jones, has described reports of immigrants and refugees mitigating the effects of limited financial assistance by creating delicious meals made cheaply out of fresh ingredients, as abhorrent. “Hello. McDonalds. Hello.” She told a heaving press conference in Guildhall square this morning. “Poor people should eat Findus crispy pancakes, white bread […]

Matt Le Blanc in last ditch attempt to flog a dead horse

Matt le blanc top gear dead horse

Matt Le Blanc has been called in to co-host Top Gear, in a last ditch attempt to flog a dead horse before finally sending it to the knackers yard. A spokesman for the BBC defending the move said “Unless we get casual racism from a big teethy bloke with curly hair, no-ones interested in cars […]

Jeremy Hunt “Parents to perform appendectomies”

Jeremy Hunt appendectomies

Parents should routinely perform appendectomies on their children, elderly relatives and indeed themselves rather than stretching valuable NHS resources according to the Secretary of State for Health Jeremy fucking Hunt. Speaking to the cast of Holby City Mr Hunt said “Doctors are all a bit 1990s and people simply don’t need someone fannying about with a […]

Justin’s House front for weed factory

justin's house weed factory

Children’s favourite television abode Justin’s House has been exposed as a front for a weed factory according to police sources. A spokesman for the Met told us “The whole place is covered in heavy duty lights, our spotter planes keep picking it up through infa-red detection, it’s a weed factory all day long.  I mean, […]

House of Lords to go on strike

house of fucking lords

Members of the House of Lords have warned in no uncertain terms that they will go on strike unless their payment of £300 a day for turning up at the Houses of Parliament is increased. Millionaire conservative donor Lord Farmer said “No-one wants to go on strike but how can anyone survive on £1500 a […]

Immigration policy to be decided by punch up in Dover

dover riots

MPs are anxiously awaiting the results of the punch up in Dover today in order to finalise British policy on immigration. One Dover local said “I had previously regarded the far right with some amusement and I was planning to ignore them and get on with my day. Now it’s all going to be decided […]

Portsmouth Uni to keep Jim Davidson statue

jim davidson statue

Protesters at Portsmouth University have told of their disappointment today at the management’s decision to keep its controversial 20 foot statue of Jim Davidson. A spokesman for the University said that they had listened to the protesters but concluded that they will have all pissed off somewhere else in 3 years time having finished their […]

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