Osborne “We can increase productivity if everyone wears a helmet”

osborne helmets

Britain is likely to increase productivity if everyone stands around wearing some sort of helmet and high visibility jacket, whether they have a job or not, according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Himself wearing a safety helmet and proudly nowhere near the vicinity of any building site, the Chancellor took time out from […]

Gay cake row bakery ordered to make cake shaped like enormous cock

gay cake row

Ashers bakery in Northern Ireland has been ordered by a judge to make a cake shaped like an enormous todger as part of a compensation package for its homophobic practices under the guise of religion. The firm which offers ‘exclusively heterosexual and God fearing patisserie’ was found to have discriminated against a couple who may […]

Great Camerondo to magic 7 day a week NHS without paying for it

great camerondo

Prime Minister David Cameron has become the envy of magic circle heavyweights such as Paul Daniels and David Copperfield after announcing to the British public “I the great Camerondo will magic a seven day a week NHS without paying for it!” “And following that, for your delight and amazement I will recruit 500 extra GPs […]

UNITE back Ed Miliband as next Labour leader

Len McCluskey

UNITE leader Len McCluskey has told union members this morning that they’ll be backing Ed Miliband as new Labour party leader. A surprise for some who were expecting some sort of debate at the forthcoming July conference Mr McCluskey said “I’ve thought long and hard about this and we’re backing Ed all the way. And […]

“Calm down dear” Cameron tells Sturgeon

cameron sturgeon marriage

David Cameron has today asked Nicola Sturgeon to “calm down dear” and not to get her knickers in a twist following demands for more fiscal powers for Scotland made by the SNP at a meeting held today. According to sources present the Premier who earlier told reporters that he was off on a hot date […]

Charles urges didgeridoo therapy on the NHS

prince charles didgeridoo

Prince Charles wrote repeatedly to the then Secretary of state for Health Patricia Hewitt demanding that conventional healthcare on the NHS be replaced immediately with didgeridoo therapy according to a series of private letters that have now been released into the public domain. An excerpt from one such correspondence in 2005 read “Dear Patricia, It’s […]

New cabinet thinly veiled front for Dalek invasion

conservative dalek invasion

David Cameron’s new cabinet is merely a front for a Dalek invasion designed to destroy the word and everything in it according to according to former Doctor Who Christopher Eccleston. Speaking to John Humphreys on his Today Programme Mr Eccleston said “You don’t get to be Doctor Who for a whole series without noticing when […]

Farage “I’ll piss off when George Galloway pisses off”

farage galloway

Former and now current UKIP leader Nigel Farage has told the British public that despite promises to the contrary he will not be pissing off out of the limelight, unless former Respect MP George Galloway does. Speaking to a heaving press conference, Mr Farage said “George isn’t pissing off because the people of Bradford west […]

Non-voters celebrate really sticking it to the man

non voters

Non voters have spent the week-end celebrating the fact that they really stuck it to the man by not voting and thus let him know that they were disillusioned with the whole system. One such non-voter told us “I looked through the list of candidates, and none were in touch with me, and what I […]

Barry Chuckle to compete against brother Paul for Labour leadership

chuckle brothers

Barry Chuckle has this morning denied rumours of any sibling animosity ¬†following the news that he will be running against his ¬†brother Paul in the forthcoming labour leadership battle. One Labour insider told us “Paul Chuckle is furious. Over and above entertaining generations of children with the same joke he has never hidden his naked […]

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