Rush hour traffic jams “caused by old drivers”

old drivers

A group of retired motorists have today claimed responsibility for a large proportion of rush hour traffic congestion due to deliberately getting up and driving around slowly and erratically between the hours of 7am and 9am despite having no reason to do so. Despite changing the subject and going off track a few times, a […]

Some shit, bland formulaic nonsense tipped to win Brit awards

brit awards

Some sort of shit, bland, formulaic, lowest common denominator, factory produced nonsense made for the entertainment of dull people who don’t really understand music has been tipped by the smart money to win tonight’s Brit awards. The Awards which are being broadcast live, today or tomorrow, or possibly yesterday are seen as the British answer […]

Rifkind fury as police refuse to pay for questions

Malcolm Rifkind

Sir Malcolm Rifkind has spoken today of his fury that Police questioning him in his alleged involvement in the latest ¬†cash for questions scandal, ¬†have refused to pay for any questions they have asked him or he has asked them. “Just because they’re police and I may be guilty of a criminal offence, it doesn’t […]

UKIP to “Open door to gay foreigners as they cancel each other out”

Rozanne Duncan UKIP

A spokesman for the UK Independence Party has confirmed that if voted in at the next general election, a UKIP Government using its existing points system would be forced to have an open door for all foreigners if they were gay. “We don’t want anyone foreign or gay in Britain obviously but if an immigrant […]

Daily Telegraph urges readers to have a Pot Noodle


The Daily Telegraph has urged readers to go on and have a Pot Noodle as from an impartial point of view it’s fun and it’s convenient whilst still being highly nutritional and a tasty snack. Speaking from an objective editorial point of view in its Sunday edition, a spokesman for the ailing broadsheet explained that […]

Chelsea fans to attend equality workshops

equality workshops

Chelsea football club are to require all fans to attend equality workshops of the type usually arranged for public sector workers and run by someone called Ros according to a statement released today. The newly appointed Director of PC also called Ros told us “We’d like football to be a pillar of political correctness starting […]

Senior Conservatives “not at all shitting it” at Swiss bank raid

tory grandees

David Cameron has confirmed that senior Tories, cabinet ministers and party donors are not at all shitting it over today’s raids on the Geneva subsidiary of HSBC bank. “You can rest assured that neither this nor any future raids are going to turn up any sort of impropriety whatsoever. And if anyone we know just […]

Young people to be painted orange and set to work making chocolate

oompah loompah

Young people will be required to earn any social security benefits they may receive by painting themselves orange and assisting in the production of chocolate on a live-in basis, according to strict new measures announced today by Prime Minister David Cameron. “We have to end this entitlement culture. And young people are going to have […]

Clouds on Mars could mean alien invasion

mars swirling clouds

Swirling clouds spotted on Mars could mean some sort of invasion of earth by some sort of alien race, scientists admitted today. A spokesman from Jodrell Bank Observatory told us “We thought Mars did not have an atmosphere, but now it has clouds it clearly does. Or maybe it doesn’t. And that might be even […]

Government to roll fat people down hills

fat people hill

Obese people could face cuts to their benefits if they do not agree to be rolled down a steep hill, under new plans being outlined by Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith. Mr Duncan Smith has published a report looking at how benefit payments can be linked to claimants’ lifestyles, in […]


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