Super-rich arse-hat furious at workers having enough to eat

justin king arse hat

Super rich arse-hat and former Sainsbury boss Justin King told today of his fury at a 50p an hour pay rise meaning many full time workers might be able to run amok paying bills and having enough to eat willy nilly. Mr King who trousered almost £2 million in his last year working for Sainsbury […]

Chuckle Brothers to cheer up goths

chuckle brothers cheer up goths

Goths throughout Britain who have barely cracked a smile since their invention in the 1980s may finally be able to cheer up a bit and stop sitting woefully in grave yards eating liver, according to a report highlighting plans to entertain them with the Chuckle Brothers. The leaked report details plans to replace forthcoming Sisters […]

Sturgeon “Scotland must decide its own bed time”

nicola sturgeon bedtime

Scotland should be able to decide what time it goes to bed at night free of diktats from Westminster, according to Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon. Speaking at the Edinburgh Television Festival, Ms Sturgeon said that Scotland’s strict bed time routine orchestrated by Westminster politicians meant that many Scots, having had by law to get […]

Britain to trial America’s successful gun laws

gun laws

Britain is to trial making gun ownership legal following its resounding success in America and the many convincing arguments from republicans that this  freedom to bear arms thing is actually very good idea. Prime Minister David Cameron said “You might think our cousins from over the pond are psychopathic buffoons with their insistence on keeping […]

Iain Duncan Smith is a cunt

iain duncan smith is a cunt

Iain Duncan smith is a monumental cunt according to a new report released today by everyone else. Thought to be the case for some time amongst the chattering classes, the rumours have now been scientifically proved correct after a single drop of the work and Pensions Secretary’s blood was extracted and placed on litmus paper […]

Panic as traders’ bonuses could be a bit lower

traders panic

Stock market traders in London, Paris and Frankfurt have slightly lowered their proposed bonus expectations as fears of a Chinese economic slowdown continue to worry state endorsed corporate gamblers worldwide. Selfishly other people have just carried on with their lives. One trader told us of the sorrow he felt at the prospect of an annual […]

Neil Kinnock banned from voting in labour leadership

neil kinnock

Former Labour leader Neil Kinnock has described reports of him being banned from voting in the forthcoming Labour leadership contest as “a storm in a teacup”. “I don’t even care.” He confirmed. Mr Kinnock is understood to have failed a series of increasingly stringent tests designed to weed out people who might be voting to […]

Chilcott to take well earned break from enquiry

chilcott

Sir John Chilcott is planning to take a year off from the enquiry he is heading into the Iraq war, according to sources close to the laid back investigator.  Having started it in 2009, Sir John has reportedly been considering widening his CV by perhaps going to work on a kibbutz or perhaps a ranch […]

Iain Duncan Smith off to pub with imaginary friends

Iain Duncan smith pub

Iain Duncan Smith is reportedly off to the pub with his imaginary friends this evening after a hard day’s fabricating stories from fictional benefits claimants. Dressed in his evening attire and ready for a night on the tiles, the Work and pensions Secretary told us “I may have bent the truth a little bit regarding […]

Andy Burnham “Never trust a man with a beard”

andy burnham beard

Labour must avoid electing a leader with facial hair at all costs, according to leadership hopeful Andy Burnham, who has warned of catastrophic consequences to party members who choose to put their trust in a man with a beard. “One of the founding principles of the Labour movement is that you should never trust a […]

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