All Scotsmen to get a free wash and valet

scotsmen free valet

All Scotsmen are going to get a free wash, wax and polish if they vote No according to a pledge signed today by Prime Minister David Cameron, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg and Labour leader Ed Miliband. It is not clear whether all Scotsmen will be wheeled through a mechanical wash on a conveyor belt […]

Cameron “Independent Scotland will be like planet of the apes”

independent scotland planet of the apes

An independent Scotland will resemble the planet of the apes after a few generations away from Westminster rule according to predictions from a leading London think tank. Speaking in Aberdeen this afternoon, Prime Minister David Cameron said the report should serve as a stark warning to those who feel Scotland should go it alone. “After […]

“Please stay and relive your student days through us” freshers beg parents

freshers

Brand new students have come together as one to beg parents who haven’t left yet after dropping them off at their respective university towns and show no signs of doing so, that they should all stay indefinitely in order to relive their own student days through their offspring. “I want every experience I have to […]

Volunteers to paint Stonehenge

painting stonehenge

Volunteers are already assembling in Amesbury, Wiltshire this morning to give Stonehenge a much needed lick of paint in what is thought to be the largest organised multi-colour painting of an ancient monument in recent history. Chief Druid Arthur Uther Pendragon told us “The trouble with Stonehenge is that it was built 4.5k years ago […]

Drugs prices to go up after a Yes vote

alex salmond drugs prices

  A spokesman for the National Association of Dealers has warned that retail prices for recreational drugs could go up in the event of a yes vote. “Up until now, any time we want to bring a big bag of dirty rugs into the country we just stick them in the back of a Ford […]

Salmond “All politicians are bastards except me”

alex salmond bastards

First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond has confirmed this morning that all politicians, English, Scottish or otherwise are bastards except him. Speaking at today’s press conference the SNP leader and Yes vote monger told us “I’m focussing on people who are in the Better together camp but really even those in the Yes camp are […]

Westminster offer Scotland gift of fire

fire bagpipes

Westminster have outlined plans today to offer Scotland the gift of fire in the event of a no vote. In what is seen as part of a cynical last ditch attempt to persuade Scotland to remain part of the United Kingdom, Gordon brown was brought out of retirement to offer Scottish voters not only some […]

“It’s all gone too far” as Salmond hints at move to No camp

alex salmond wicker man

In his strongest hint yet at a move to the No camp, SNP leader Alex Salmond has told a heaving press conference that he sees himself very much as a floating voter. “I have to be honest. This was all supposed to be a protest vote against a very temporary Conservative led coalition, which would […]

Independent Scotland to get half of the Queen

salmond half the queen

An independent Scotland will most likely get half of the Queen according to legal experts. A spokesman for the palace told us “We’re all up for it but we’re not entirely sure about dividing up Royalty. It’s uncharted territory. Unless she’s very stretchy it would mean putting her on the border where negotiations would take […]

New ridiculously posh lady to pretend to investigate parliamentary abuse

Lord Mayor Fiona Woolf

  Lord Mayor of London Ms Fiona Woolf has vowed to leave not a stone unturned in her pretence of uncovering historical sexual abuse in MPs many of whom she knows socially. “Let me be absolutely clear. The fact that I’ve always worked inside the square mile, am Lord Mayor of London, former president of […]

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