Jihadists rewarded with 72 Richard Bransons

branson

Jihadists in the afterlife have been left red faced after an administrative error left them with 72 Richard Bransons to have as their personal sexual playthings. One recently passed Jihadist told us “I must admit, I thought I was going to receive the attentions of 72 young inexperienced ladies as opposed to 72 bearded sixty […]

Co-op bank chiefs urged to start taking drugs again

bring back paul flowers

Co-op bank chiefs have been urged to start taking drugs again following reports that their new policy of narcotic abstinence amongst senior management has caused them to fail a Bank of England stress test. A spokesman for the hapless financial institution told us that regrettably, mistakes had clearly been made. “We’re OK when the economy […]

Benito Mussolini resigns as UKIP candidate

benito

Former fascist dictator of Italy Benito Mussolini has resigned as a UKIP parliamentary candidate following claims that he is dead, ineligible to vote in Britain and allegedly voiced extreme right wing views during his time as Prime Minister of Italy between 1922 and 1943. Lifetime UKIP leader Nigel Farage denied that the party was facing […]

Cameron “A Labour Government would ruin everything”

Cameron labour ruin everything

A Labour Government would ruin every single thing according to Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference Mr Cameron said “You name it they’d ruin it. Anything that’s good now wouldn’t be once they got their crappy socialist hands on it. Mark my words should they weasel their way back into […]

McCartney apologises for Pipes of Peace

paul McCartney pipes of peace

Campaigners are said to be delighted today as after 31 years of failing to show any remorse ┬áPaul McCartney has apologised for inflicting the song and video Pipes of Peace on an unsuspecting and largely trusting public. Whilst still largely unrepentant for the song’s original impact in the early 1980s the former Beatles front man […]

Conservatives to hunt the deficit on horses with dogs

fox hunting tory bastards

David Cameron has pledged to reduce the deficit at all costs even if it means hunting it down on horses with a huge pack of beagles. “We’ll have Christmas day off” he explained “and then on Boxing Day we’ll assemble en masse for a cheeky glass of sherry before riding around the countryside blowing horns […]

UKIP fury at revelations Father Christmas originates from Turkey

farage christmas

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has blamed foreigners for ruining the British institution of Christmas as revelations emerge that the original Santa Claus or Father Christmas, St Nicholas, actually originated from the part of Asia now known as Turkey. Speaking to a hastily assembled press conference an angry Mr Farage said “Flying on an unregistered foreign […]

People to start saying Jimmy Hill again

jimmy hill

A Government think tank has today predicted that people are going to start saying Jimmy Hill to each other again on occasions that they doubt the validity of what has just been described to them. The terminology which may be subject to regional variations such as saying itchy chin or Jimmy reckon is thought likely […]

Premier foods take another hit as Mr Kipling arrested under operation yewtree

Kipling

Share prices for Premier foods have taken yet another hit this morning at news that the figurehead of one of it’s biggest brands Mr Kipling has been arrested under operation Yew tree. Drawing unsuspecting people in under the premise of “Exceedingly good cakes” the seemingly kindly face of mass produced mediocre pastries belied a more […]

Osborne announces cuts to pretending to give a shit

osborne cuts to giving a shit

A Conservative only Government will attempt to reduce the deficit by holding back funds previously earmarked for the Department of Half Heartedly Pretending to Give a Shit, according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference Mr Osborne said “Do you realise how much it costs to tell people […]

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