British beaches to start charging

british beaches

Beaches throughout Great Britain are set to become chargeable as part of new reforms announced today by Home Secretary Theresa May. The charges which are thought to be set at £8 per person per day, or £11 if you want to go in the sea, will come in to place in August and will be […]

Donald Trump to headline Glastonbury 2016

trump glastonbury

Glastonbury organisers have denied that the festival is is descending into corporatism following news that wigged up tycoon and presidential hopeful Donald Trump is to headline next year on the main stage. The delighted business magnate told us “There’s no music involved  but people will want to hear my top ten hints for success. After […]

Allah chuffed to bits with all the jihading

jihadists

Celestial being Allah has gone on record to say that he’s chuffed to bits with all the jihading and has promised a special push to ensure every jihadist has plenty of ethereal virgins for their pleasure once they step into his virtual reality afterlife. In a rare interview the popular deity urged aspiring jihadists to […]

“3 more days before you can take a shit” Glastonbury punters assured

eavis shit

Glastonbury revellers who arrived on Wednesday and already have the ‘turtles head showing’ have been reassured by organisers that they only have 3 more days before they can drop the kids off at the pool in the comfort of their own home. Land owner, organiser and non-moustached beard type person,  Michael Eavis, hit back angrily […]

Americans to melt down all their guns and make them into one big gun

americans

Americans are to get rid of all their guns in order to melt them down and use them to construct one big communally owned gun. A spokesman for the White House told us “It’s just not enough for us to all have guns. We all have to lay our hands on the biggest gun in the […]

Red trousers given health warning

bloke in red trousers

Blokes who wear red trousers are exposing themselves and others to a wide variety of health issues according to a report released today by the Department of Health. The report is thought to be the first to make a firm connection between wearing red trousers and symptoms such as sticking out a mile on country […]

Jeremy Corbyn “We’ll take back all the money and dish it out equally”

corbyn

Labour leadership hopeful Jeremy Corbyn has confirmed that if successful in his bid and subsequently successful in a General Election he will take back all the money in Britain and give it out again so everyone has exactly the same. “It’s like monopoly. It’s all great fun but sooner or later just one person has […]

Swiss Family Robinson cross Syrian Border

swiss family robinson isis

1960’s TV desert island castaways the Swiss Family Robinson are understood to have crossed the border in to Syria, in an alarming trend of fictional characters from the west leaving their relatively safe plot lines to join Islamic State. One expert told us that whilst the reasons for their trip were largely unknown he was […]

Billy Whizz accused of historic drug use

Billy Whizz

Cartoon athlete Billy Whizz has denied accusations that he deliberately missed drug tests throughout the 1980s when he enjoyed the accolade of World’s fastest boy. Lawyers representing the Beano have robustly denied any drug abuse within the comic citing as an example a weekly story about unruly school children who live on Bash street, who […]

Top Gear to have bird saying if cars are a nice colour

evans top gear

Top Gear will be departing from it’s misogynistic roots by featuring a bird every week who tells us whether she prefers a pink car or a white car, according to new presenter Chris Evans. “I’ll never get accused of sexism if there’s a bird on it.” He explained cheerfully. Sandy Toksvig who is the bookie’s […]

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