UKIP to turn Thanet into an “All inclusive”

Thanet

UKIP have vowed that if they get into power they will turn the entire Island of Thanet into an all inclusive resort where where everyone pays in advance and gets served up regular meals of sausage and mash, chicken and chips and watered down beer. UKIP leader and parliamentary candidate for Thanet Nigel Farage said […]

40 mile tailbacks as M6 toll road issues customer satisfaction forms

customer care forms

Police are advising motorists to avoid the M40, M42 and M5 at all costs with reports that the M6 toll road is at a complete stand still with gridlocked traffic for 40 miles in each direction, following today’s introduction of customer care satisfaction forms. The M6 toll road is the only autobahn style road in […]

East 17 “exaggerated” over everyone being in the house of love

brian

East 17 lied about everyone being in the house of love and even made a song about it in a cynical attempt to cover their tracks according to new evidence released either yesterday or today. One tearful fan told us that he felt not so much angry but disappointed with the 1990s foursome who later […]

Aussie women vote Prince Philip “Sexiest man of the year”

prince philip

The results are in: Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh may be known for his sexist gaffes but it seems the women of Australia are more interested in what the ageing Prince has in his trousers, voting him Sexiest Man of the Year 2015. In a double-win for the geriatric Duke, the results were published only days […]

Participants in Dry January start queueing up for their award

queue

Participants in the celebrity endorsed social media advertised Dry January have already begun to form an orderly queue in order to collect their award. The award is rumoured to be a ‘fucking medal’ as many temporary non-drinkers claim to have been asked if they would like one of these. A spokesman for the National Association […]

Westminster “No go area for non-arse-hats”

arse-hat westminster

London’s inner city of Westminster has become a no-go area for the majority of British people, unless you happen to be a complete arse-hat, according to the latest report from Fox News. Seen by much of the world as an “arse-hat ghetto” Westminster is thought to be a lawless place where people in suits strut […]

Ayatollah Khamenei “Pluto must be reinstated as a planet”

ayatollah

The Supreme Leader of Iran Ayatollah Khamenei has published an open letter to the “Youth in Europe and North America” demanding that they stop ignoring the dwarf planet Pluto and start treating it like any other planet. The letter claims the West is subject to a disinformation campaign from its politicians and criticizes Western media sources […]

Prince Charles “Everyone should stick a crystal up their arse”

prince charles crystal arse

Prince Charles has confirmed that on becoming King he will pass a law that everyone must embrace alternative therapies, beginning with inserting a crystal up their arse. Hitting back at “scientists”, who have criticised his unnerving support for alternative therapies, the Prince, also known as the Duke of Woo, said that the conventional medical world […]

Government to launch inquiry inquiry

inquiry inquiry

The Government have announced plans to launch an inquiry into all Government inquiries in an effort to ascertain why all recent inquiries, especially ones regarding possible criminality of politicians, never seem to end or if they do never come to any logical conclusion. A spokesman for the new inquiry said “All inquiries such as Parliamentary […]

Wolf of Wolf Hall a fucking triumph say important people

wolf of wolf fucking hall

The new television adaptation of Hilary Mantel’s Wolf of Wolf Hall is nothing short of a fucking triumph according to some very important and clever people indeed. With performances described as “marvellously humane”,  “smoothly acidic”, and “not shit”, journalists were this morning falling over each other to express their admiration of it’s sheer absolute fucking […]

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