Tesco to beat its staff with a shitty stick

tesco staff shitty stick

Supermarket giant Tesco is said to be taking the unusual step of beating its staff to within an inch of their lives using a shitty stick in order to get to the bottom of how its projected half year profits were overstated by £250 million. Tesco CEO Dave lewis told us “We’ve tried paying our […]

No 10 offers Scots the power of love

cameron the power of love

David Cameron has confirmed this morning that he will be offering the Scots the power of love in lieu of his pre-referendum devolution pledge. Speaking to members of the press, the Prime Minister explained “We had originally offered the Scottish Parliament greater autonomy in terms of taxation and welfare but it has come to our […]

Daily Mail readers to get own parliament

littlejohn

Daily Mail readers are to get their own parliament as discussions regarding regional devolution progress and following the acceptance that some people live not in a particular geographical location, but in a mythical version of Britain that is only in their head. A spokesman for the Daily Mail has described the move as a victory […]

Britain celebrates as devolution means lots and lots more politicians

celebrations

People across the British Isles have been celebrating throughout the night at news that and English Parliament, a London Parliament, a Cornwall parliament, an East Anglian Parliament and a Manchester Parliament on top of bigger Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish Assemblies mean lots and lots more politicians wittering on incessantly, and troughing it up, all […]

Cameron “Scotland must go to its room”

cameron scotland to its room

Scotland must go to its bedroom and stay there until it’s taken a good hard look at itself and is ready to join the rest of the United Kingdom without being Mr Shouty, according to Prime Minister of England, Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland, David Cameron “We’ve all had a good jolly. But it all […]

New Hearing Aid designed to cut out unwanted shouty Scotsmen

chris steele hearing aids

Can’t hear the television for Alex Salmonds? Avoiding social situations for fear of Gordon Browns? Missing the punchlines of jokes because of Alistair Darling? Fortunately help could be at hand as Swiss hearing aid manufacturer Phonak have announced the general release of a new hearing aid that improves speech intelligibility by cutting out unwanted shouty […]

All Scotsmen to get a free wash and valet

scotsmen free valet

All Scotsmen are going to get a free wash, wax and polish if they vote No according to a pledge signed today by Prime Minister David Cameron, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg and Labour leader Ed Miliband. It is not clear whether all Scotsmen will be wheeled through a mechanical wash on a conveyor belt […]

Cameron “Independent Scotland will be like planet of the apes”

independent scotland planet of the apes

An independent Scotland will resemble the planet of the apes after a few generations away from Westminster rule according to predictions from a leading London think tank. Speaking in Aberdeen this afternoon, Prime Minister David Cameron said the report should serve as a stark warning to those who feel Scotland should go it alone. “After […]

“Please stay and relive your student days through us” freshers beg parents

freshers

Brand new students have come together as one to beg parents who haven’t left yet after dropping them off at their respective university towns and show no signs of doing so, that they should all stay indefinitely in order to relive their own student days through their offspring. “I want every experience I have to […]

Volunteers to paint Stonehenge

painting stonehenge

Volunteers are already assembling in Amesbury, Wiltshire this morning to give Stonehenge a much needed lick of paint in what is thought to be the largest organised multi-colour painting of an ancient monument in recent history. Chief Druid Arthur Uther Pendragon told us “The trouble with Stonehenge is that it was built 4.5k years ago […]

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 363 other followers