Salmond promises a free beaver to every Scotsman

beaver

Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond has built on his lead from yesterday’s shouty debate with Alistair Darling by guaranteeing a free beaver for every Scotsman the moment Scotland achieves independence. Speaking at yet another press conference Mr Salmond said “We’re sick of restrictions to public policy set by Westminster. We’ve done the maths and every […]

British public in shit bucket challenge frenzy

shit bucket challenge

The old adage of a butterfly flapping it’s wings can cause a tsunami the other side of the planet, or in this case a poonami as the much publicised new craze of shit bucket challenge has gone viral in recent weeks. Stories are coming in thick and fast from people are choosing not to avail […]

Reiki healers urged to help with ebola epidemic

reiki ebola

Prime Minister David Cameron has promised to help Britain’s best Reiki healers to fly over to West Africa to help with the Ebola virus outbreak. “We haven’t tried connecting sufferers with their inner wholeness. As far as we can work out the World Health Organisation has no strategy for tackling the virus through intangible energy […]

Duran Duran found still on boat singing Rio

Duran Duran Rio

Pop band Duran Duran have been found still sailing on a boat singing the song Rio, apparently unaware that it was no longer the 1980s. A spokesman for the production company that had made the original video told us that they would take full responsibility as no-one in the team had specifically told them to […]

Shock as cat passes GCSE Maths

cat

Portsmouth Grammar School are looking likely to increase their fees for the coming term having successfully tutored a 4 year old tabby cat through GCSE Maths. Known to class mates as Fiddles, the cat managed to break all records within feline academia by obtaining a grade C, despite not seeming fully engaged during the examination […]

Charles Bronson to join Celebrity Big Brother House

charles bronson

Channel 5 have confirmed today that the Celebrity Big Brother house will be getting a new house mate this week in the form of Britain’s most dangerous inmate Charles Bronson. A spokesman for the show’s production company Endemol explained  “It’s another twist in the saga. Everybody likes a bit of drama, and you don’t get […]

May “British people could emigrate to make more room for immigrants”

emigrate

Do you like icebergs? Cacti? Foreign languages?  Paté? Well emigrating may well be the answer according to a new Government think tank who are recommending a drive to lessen net immigration figures, by asking indigenous Brits to move out for a while to make a little more room. Home secretary Theresa May explained “We can’t stop […]

Panic as 42 foot high Julian Assange leaves Ecuadorian embassy

giant julian assange

British authorities are firmly pointing the finger of blame at the Ecuadorian Ambassador this morning after a colossal Julian Assange left the Ecuadorian embassy to begin a rampage across London. Between seven and eight times larger than the one who went in there two years ago, the Wiki-Leaks founder is believed to have been cynically […]

Kelly Hoppen to talk about herself

kelly hoppen

Kelly Hoppen is to forego the formality of deciding whether to invest in new businesses on TVs Dragons Den and simply talk about herself according to Kelly Hoppen whilst talking about herself on a recent episode of TVs Dragons Den. Speaking to a man pitching for a computer games business, Ms Hoppen explained “I get […]

BBC announce new show “Iain Duncan Smith’s BFF”

Iain Duncan Smith's BFF

The BBC have confirmed that from September Iain Duncan Smith will be appearing in a new reality TV series set to find him a Best friend Forever or BFF. In a promotional trailer for the show Mr Duncan Smith tells us: “People think that after a busy day dismantling the welfare state at a greater […]

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