Cameron “Young people should learn to live on their trust funds”

cameron trust funds

Young people should become less reliant on benefits and learn to live on their trust funds according to Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking at the Conservative party conference the premier explained “We need to stop the cycle of young people leaving school and claiming benefits when they could merely tap into their trust funds like […]

George Osborne “Poor people must give us a kidney”

Osborne kidney

Poor people will be expected to donate a vital organ to cover any welfare payments according to new measures announced by George Osborne today. “There’s no such thing as a free lunch” Mr Osborne told Lorraine Kelly in a pre-conference briefing. We have lazy benefit claimants who are not contributing to society yet feel they […]

Eric B and Rakim defect to UKIP

eric b and rakim

David Cameron has had to endure yet another blow to his credibility this morning as news broke that 1980s rap and DJ duo Eric B and Rakim  have defected to UKIP. Political expert Nick Robinson told us “They actually can’t vote themselves as they come from Long Island, New York and as far as we’re […]

Catholic church fury as Bishop has normal relationship

catholic priest has girlfriend

The RT Reverend Kieran Conry, whose diocese covers Sussex and Surrey, has resigned this week-end after revelations that he had a girlfriend who was of a similar age and entered into a relationship with him under absolutely no coercion. The Catholic Bishop of Arundel and Brighton told reporters that he had brought “shame” on the […]

Dull people get excited by George Clooney’s stupid wedding

clooney's stupid fucking wedding

Dull people who cling desperately to the perceived life of celebrities in order to mask the blandness of their own uneventful lives, have begun a three day television vigil in order to ensure they don’t miss a minute of George Clooney’s stupid fucking attention seeking wedding. Clooney, who is best known for playing Joey in […]

Atos declare Kim Jong Un fit for work

atos kim jong un

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un will need to pull his finger out and get back to public engagements according to healthcare assessment company ATOS who have declared the portly despot fit for work. A spokesman for ATOS said “We have reason to believe that despite his protests to the contrary he’s perfectly fit and […]

Mark E Smith to replace Jason Orange in Take That

mark e smith take that

The Fall front man Mark E Smith has confirmed today that he will be replacing Jason Orange in Take That with immediate effect. Front man Gary Barlow told us “We needed someone else called orange in a hurry. We couldn’t find one so the nearest we could get was Mark E Smith who’s 1988 album […]

Abu Qatada boards plane back to Britain

abu qatada plane

Radical muslim cleric Abu Qatada  is in the process of boarding a plane after a not guilty verdict in Jordan means that he is free to carry on his life back in Britain. Thought to be flying first class at the Home Office’s expense sources close to Mr Qatada say that he is looking forward […]

Supermarkets to stop selling hairy cornflakes

dave lee travis convicted

Supermarkets throughout Britain are to stop selling hairy cornflakes with immediate effect after former radio one DJ and inspiration for the popular breakfast cereal Dave Lee Travis has today been found guilty of indecent assault. The verdict has seen boxes vanish from shelves at an unprecedented rate, perhaps only equalled by the sudden evacuation of […]

Tesco to beat its staff with a shitty stick

tesco staff shitty stick

Supermarket giant Tesco is said to be taking the unusual step of beating its staff to within an inch of their lives using a shitty stick in order to get to the bottom of how its projected half year profits were overstated by £250 million. Tesco CEO Dave lewis told us “We’ve tried paying our […]

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