Britain to bomb all venomous snakes

bombing snakes

Britain is to bomb all countries that have venomous snakes in order to stop them biting people once and for all according to Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking to a a packed press conference outside a COBRA meeting the premier said “We’re only going to be bombing countries that have these dangerous serpents. It’s the […]

Sisters of Mercy to accompany black Friday sales

sisters of mercy

A spokesman for Lakeside shopping centre has confirmed that Sisters of Mercy will be playing live in the shopping centre throughout Black Friday in what will be one of their longest shows ever and free of charge to all bargain hunters. “It’s always manic in here on Black Friday, but with an ageing Andrew Eldritch […]

“I’ve been a very bad chancellor” George Osborne tells dominatrix

Gorge Osborne31

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has told an undercover  reporter posing as a dominatrix that he has “been a very bad chancellor” and should be “given a proper going over with a leather thwacky thing” for his mismanagement of the economy and total reliance on cutting public services. In contradiction to his confident air […]

The Sun “Migrating moles must get back underground”

migrating moles

The Sun newspaper has devoted its front page this morning to the news that many moles are considering abandoning their life underground and looking to start a new life on the earth’s surface. In an abrupt editorial Editor Tony Gallagher said “If we let them up here we pave the way for ferrets, badgers and all […]

Hunt I’m backed by the silent 2%

jeremy fucking hunt

Jeremy Hunt has told today of his encouragement at the silent support of 2% of Junior Doctors who have said they won’t go on strike in protest against his reforms. Speaking to John Humphrys on the Today Programme Mr Hunt explained that Doctors were stupid and didn’t understand numbers. “However, for every 98 Doctors that […]

Racist bloke at work still going for it

racist bloke office

A racist bloke in an office is still going for it like a trooper, two full working days after the Paris shootings and showing no signs of giving it a rest, according to reports from workmates. Feeling sufficiently vindicated by recent events to continue wittering on indefinitely, Mr Daley Mayall, of ‘We sell any car’ […]

Britain to continue naming increasingly lame storms

slightly windy day

Britain is to continue naming increasingly lame storms until such time that someone has to think up a name every time there is just some weather. The news comes as Storm Barney approaches Britain’s East coast causing disruption to picnics and outdoor card games. The Met office have advised widespread school closures, once lessons have […]

Ham shop owner defends decision to ban Muslims


The owner of a speciality ham shop in Oxfordshire has defended his recent decision to refuse to serve all Muslims until such time as they take responsibility for events instigated in a different country by people they had no connection to. Dave England, proprietor of “Out of Hams way” in Bicester village, said “I can’t […]

Children with beards exposed as sham charity

children with the beards

A highly organised criminal dwarf gang are being hunted as prime suspects as the entire £32 million proceeds from last year’s Children in Need were mistakenly awarded to sham charity “Children with beards” The charities promotional leaflet says “Many of these children have had excessive facial hair since the age of 3.  As a result […]

Cameron lodges complaint to himself about himself

cameron complaint

David Cameron has demanded an immediate inquiry, headed by himself, to look into how he was allowed to make complaints to himself about himself. “Something’s got to be done about it” Mr Cameron reportedly told himself in a strongly worded letter. “It’s gone too far. It started off with a harmless game of cutting off […]


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