V festival cancelled due to unforseen blandness

v festival

Festival goers have been left furious at today’s announcement from the organisers of the V festival that the live music event is to be cancelled due to unforeseen blandness. Richard Branson chairman of the Virgin group who own the festival amongst a number of other things told us “I just woke up in the middle […]

Osborne “Lifting people out of poverty will be bad for the economy”

osborne poor people

Labour’s plans to lift poor people above the breadline by working towards a living wage for all have been slammed by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne as bad for the economy and unconducive to growth Speaking on Andrew Neil’s political chat show ‘Afternoon Bollocks’ Mr Osborne explained “It’s all very well someone going out […]

Fox news blames humans for alien invasion

sean hannity

Fox News Anchorman Sean Hannity has today caused further controversy by blaming the human race for any future attack by aliens. “Any invasion is likely to be by aliens that already inhabit a number of different planets and have a far superior arsenal of weapons. And should we be attacked by an alien race wishing […]

EU ban sale of Laughing cow cheese to Russia

dairylea sanctions

The European Union has banned the sale of Laughing Cow cheese to Russia as part of a range of tough new sanctions aimed at making Russian President Vladimir Putin think twice about his megalomania. Known as La Vache Qui Rit  in France, La vaca que rie in Spain, and up until now at least Весёлая Бурёнка (Vessiolaia Bourionka) […]

Controversy at appearance of Bananaman in Batman vs Superman

bananaman

Comic book fans are said to be furious after leaked footage from the forthcoming Batman vs Superman film shows the pair initially fighting each other until the fight is broken up by Bananaman, who demands that they both apologise to each other and learn to settle their disputes in a more gentlemanly manner. Film Director […]

Shock as David Cameron’s Big Society might be bollocks

big society

The political world has been turned on its head this morning following revelations that David Cameron’s “Big Society” might actually have been a load of old bollocks the whole time from its inception to the present day. Bertram Onions from the Royal Society for Things that are Total Bollocks (RSFTTATB) told us “It certainly fulfils […]

Shit no longer a rude word

david cameron shit

The word shit has been downgraded from swearing to merely slang according to new Government measures announced this morning. Speaking to a packed press conference Prime Minister David Cameron said “I can confirm that shit is now a perfectly normal word. Shitty shit. Shit shit shitterty shit. Shit.” The move is seen as yet another […]

Commonwealth Games end as Queen sends lions in

queen commonwealth games

The commonwealth games has ended abruptly today with reports that the Queen has used her ancient yet rarely used power to release a pride of hungry lions into the stadium. The Commonwealth Games, previously called the ‘British Commonwealth Games’, before that the ‘Countries Britain has Invaded and Colonised Games’ and before that the ‘See if […]

Britain in shock as foreign countries use weapons we sold them

arms trade

The British Government is said to be “shocked, outraged, appalled” at revelations arising today that many of the countries we sell weapons of mass destruction may well end up using them. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference Prime Minister David Cameron said “We’re shocked, outraged and appalled. We have a strict policy of not […]

Students must adapt and eat grass

students eating grass

Students must offset their dire financial situation by altering their own physiology in order to gain sustenance from eating grass, according to new Government advice issued today. Newly appointed Education Secretary Nicky Morgan has pledged to create a lean mean education system with self sufficient students munching away on grass and hedgerows in lieu of […]

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