More MPs predicted to quit as scientists find cure for conservatism

cure for conservatism

Scientists have this morning confirmed that the most recent outbreak of conservatism may soon be under control. Dr Bertram Onions of GlaxoSmithKline told us that initial trials on members of parliament had proved promising and the drug was now ready to be administered to all MPs exhibiting symptoms of the debilitating condition. “We know sooner […]

End of summer means bloke can stop driving his convertible up and down the seafront

convertibles on seafront

The official end of summer this week has been hailed by convertible drivers throughout the country as it now means they can so something else at weekends other than endlessly drive their cars up and down the seafront. One driver told us that for him the move to autumn couldn’t have come sooner. “It’s shit. […]

Ban on Brits returning from holiday homes in France

brit in france

British people who have second homes in France may have to just stay there, according to new legislation announced today by the Government. In a move that is seen by some as pandering to potential UKIP voters, those who own second homes in France are to be targeted for their reputation for coming back into […]

Islamic state space hopper attack imminent

space hopper jihad

  A covert attack on Britain from terrorist cell Islamic State is likely to involve the use of 1970s Space Hoppers, according to intelligence sources. “Space Hoppers are such an intrinsic part of British culture that an entire army of jihadists could bounce into a city centre without people raising so much as an eye […]

Shock as right wing bigot leaves established bigot party for more wobbly eyed lot

douglas carswell

The political landscape has once again been altered beyond recognition after news that right wing backbencher Douglas Carswell MP has decided to leave the established long standing right wing, low income intolerant, bigoty, borderline racist, Conservative party, and instead embrace the proper all out wobbly eyed mad as a box of frogs lot. In an […]

Northern Comedians sent to cheer up Islamic state

northern comedians

Britain is to send a crack team of 1970s northern comedians to Iraq and Syria in an attempt to cheer up members of extremist military organisation Islamic State as part of a series of ┬ámeasures announced by the Government this morning. Speaking at a heaving press conference Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond said “They do seem […]

Salmond promises a free beaver to every Scotsman

beaver

Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond has built on his lead from yesterday’s shouty debate with Alistair Darling by guaranteeing a free beaver for every Scotsman the moment Scotland achieves independence. Speaking at yet another press conference Mr Salmond said “We’re sick of restrictions to public policy set by Westminster. We’ve done the maths and every […]

British public in shit bucket challenge frenzy

shit bucket challenge

The old adage of a butterfly flapping it’s wings can cause a tsunami the other side of the planet, or in this case a poonami as the much publicised new craze of shit bucket challenge has gone viral in recent weeks. Stories are coming in thick and fast from people are choosing not to avail […]

Reiki healers urged to help with ebola epidemic

reiki ebola

Prime Minister David Cameron has promised to help Britain’s best Reiki healers to fly over to West Africa to help with the Ebola virus outbreak. “We haven’t tried connecting sufferers with their inner wholeness. As far as we can work out the World Health Organisation has no strategy for tackling the virus through intangible energy […]

Duran Duran found still on boat singing Rio

Duran Duran Rio

Pop band Duran Duran have been found still sailing on a boat singing the song Rio, apparently unaware that it was no longer the 1980s. A spokesman for the production company that had made the original video told us that they would take full responsibility as no-one in the team had specifically told them to […]

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