The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
Welsh people could have avoided their present measles epidemic if they had simply planned ahead and booked themselves in for crystal therapy sessions according to the National Association of Crystal Healing Therapists today. Speaking at press conference, a spokesman for the Association explained “It’s all a bit irresponsible. Everybody knows measles is caused by sluggish […]
David Cameron has announced a minimum price on a bag of cocaine as part of tough new measures designed to keep class A drug use for birthdays, bank holidays and other special occasions. Speaking at a press conference the Premier told us “We’ve decided that people should be allowed to drink as much alcohol as […]
Britain is in danger of an environmental catastrophe as many vegetarians are rapidly increasing in smugness, to a level approaching critical mass according to television boffin Professor Brian Cox. “Ultimately most vegetarians do it for the buzz,” Professor Cox explained “every time they meet someone who eats meat their bodies automatically produce special ‘smug […]
Findus have issued a statement today explaining that they have themselves been the victim of an elaborate scam by cows who have managed to persuade gullible horses to take their places in abattoirs. It’s thought that organised cells of cows have managed to swap places with horses using a mixture of outright lies and emotional […]
Middle England is predicted to turn its back on traditional family values and instead follow bohemian alternative lifestyles, as Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that the Government will no longer be introducing a tax break for married couples in next months budget. The U-turn is widely feared to open the flood gates for threesomes, […]
Justice minister Jeremy Wright has ordered maximum security at all of Britain’s prisons as it has emerged that virtually all prison food contains traces of owl. The Ministry of Justice is to suspend a firm supplying meat to prisons after tests found that it may have provided pies and pasties containing traces of owl varying […]
Tesco have told their critics today that they’re not sorry about sneaking horse meat into their products and they plan to roll out more horse to a variety of new products over the coming years. In a statement this morning Chief Executive Philip Clarke announced “Haha! You all ate horse! That’ll serve you right for […]
Households throughout the country have had to unexpectedly cancel their day in the pub, as the lack of snow this morning has left many with little choice but to go into work. The Right Reverend Justin Welby the soon to be Archbishop of Canterbury has told the nation that people only have their blasphemous selves […]
Unhealthy foods that appeal to children should have a minimum level of swearing on the packaging to discourage parents from buying them for their children, according to Shadow Health Secretary Andy Burnham. Labour will today propose new legal limits on levels of fat, sugar and salt that can be present in childrens food, before covering […]
Gay Bishops will be required to preach their sermons whilst bouncing up and down on space hoppers in another shift in their policy on homosexuality in the clergy. After talks between the outgoing Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams and his replacement the Rt Rev Justin Welby it has been decided that there is no […]
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