Conservatives to choose between nearly as bad as Thatcher or slightly worse

Swivel eyed loons at Conservative clubs throughout the country are preparing to choose a new despot, as the choice now appears to be between ‘nearly as mad as Thatcher’ and ‘quite a bit worse’.

Chilcot “I haven’t done the report”

Sir John Chilcot has confessed today that those eagerly waiting to read his report on the Iraq War may be sorely disappointed. Because he hasn’t done it.

Ladbrokes stop taking bets on new Prime Minister being an arse-hat

Ladbrokes have announced that from today they will not be taking any further bets on the new Prime Minister being an arse hat.

Prime Minister Gove to punish everyone

Michael Gove has promised today that should he obtain the role of Prime Minister he will exact venomous revenge on all humankind rather than just singling out a particular minority to punish.

Jeremy Hunt to stand for labour leadership

Jeremy Hunt has announced that he will throw his hat into the ring to challenge Jeremy Corbyn in the forthcoming leadership contest.

Armchair pundit called Gavin announced as new England Manager

Plucked from obscurity in a surprise move by the FA, Gavin Watson is set to become a household name after being announced as the replacement for Roy Hodgson who resigned last night.

MPs who voted for Iraq war rebel against half arsed referendum saboteur

Labour MPs who voted for the Iraq war have come out in force to rebel against their leader who couldn’t be arsed to win a referendum.

Voters’ confusion as immigrants still here

A leave voter has told of his anguish this morning on waking up to find that there were some foreign people in his immediate vicinity who appeared to be showing no signs of packing their bags and shockingly seemed to be living their lives like nothing had happened.

Britain votes to put its dick in a blender

Britain has voted to put it’s own penis in a food processor and turn it on in order to make Britain great again.

Iran to join EU warn BREXIT campaigners

The Islamic republic of Iran will most likely join the EU later this year according to UKIP leader and prominent BREXIT campaigner Nigel Farage.