The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
New British hopeful Molly Smitten-Downes has pledged to win the 2013 Eurovision song contest for Britain without singing a note in the conventional sense, but by simply farting along with the background music, in a surprise announcement from the British Eurovision Committee. The singer,aged 26, has welcomed the challenge of representing her country and […]
Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has today urged party activists to start swearing like troopers as he launched the party’s campaign for the English local elections. “We’re not simply a protest vote. We’re the only party you can rely on to break up our otherwise dull manifesto with a liberal sprinkling of profanity along the […]
A group of more than 20 festivals including T in the park and Bestival have banned the practice of sporting long hair. Seen as part of a new drive to make festivals more streamlined and efficient a spokesperson told us: “We’ve no issue with smartly presented boys and girls who’ve come to sensibly listen to […]
Several million retail workers have sent a united message to their non week-end working counterparts, “Fuck you and fuck your bank holiday weekend.” Speaking from behind the counter at a well known chain store and sporting a badge saying “Ask me about some shit or other” a spokesman told us: “The simple fact that many […]
Nigel Farage stands accused of stealing an egg from an unsuspecting member of the public in what appears to be an entirely unprovoked act of theft. The protester known only as Fred from Nottingham told us “Just because that Farage is famous he thinks he’s above the law. Alright, I might have thrown the egg […]
Former Olympic silver medallist Roger Black has been told to go back to his own country by UKIP candidates in yet another seemingly racially prejudiced gaffe by the one trick pony jingoistic bandwagon political group. UKIP candidate Rozane Duncan said “We accept he was born here, went to school here and won Britain several medals […]
Commuters in London are all said to be upbeat today having coped with the first day of a two day tube strike by having a proper cockney sing song to lift their spirits. The strike is in protest at measures announced by London Mayor Boris Johnson dispensing with the process where in order to commence […]
The political landscape is thought to have changed significantly and irreversibly today after UKIP leader Nigel Farage took a break from jingoistic knee-jerk ranting and instead arranged to have a bus driven into Portsmouth and Southsea railway station. Speaking from the wreckage to his own press officers and a handful of Portsmouth locals Mr Farage […]
Secretary of State for Health Jeremy Hunt has told patients that rather than attend surgeries or hospitals they should merely obtain their GPs mobile phone number and send them a selfie. Speaking on the Marr show this morning Mr Hunt explained: “I’m not a Doctor but I saw one recently and I used to regularly […]
People living in properties owned by the Crown who have been campaigning against being evicted from their homes have been told today that they will all be able to shack up at Buckingham Palace at least until they sort themselves out with somewhere else to live. The Crown Estate has confirmed it is proposing the sale […]
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