The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
Acting Labour Leader Harriet Harman has promised that despite a minor rebellion from do-gooders, Labour will now concentrate on taking a monumental shit on all poor people, albeit compassionately and fairly. Speaking to a heaving press conference the hapless interim said “We must listen to the voters and defecate on poor people from a great […]
A cyclist on Southsea seafront has given his clearest indication yet that he might just might use the massive cycle lane, that the entire road was narrowed and reconstructed in order to accommodate, just fucking once. “I’d rather hold up the traffic on the road or have near misses with people, children and dogs on […]
Dead people will no longer be able to simply lie underground or float around in the form of minute particles dispersed throughout the atmosphere without putting their hands in their pockets, according to a joint statement made today by Prime Minister David Cameron and Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith. Speaking in unison to […]
Scotland’s First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has described legislation that stops Scottish MPs voting retrospectively on the winning act in the 1976 Eurovision Song Contest as “Unacceptable”. Incensed that the winning song, ‘Save all your kisses for me’ by Brotherhood of Man, was seemingly pushed through without any consultation of Scottish MPs Ms Sturgeon said: “You […]
Public Sector workers will be required to pay back any remuneration they have received during their employment as part of George Osborne’s loans not wages policy announced during his emergency budget speech today. Addressing parliament and flanked by a smiling Iain Duncan Smith the Chancellor said “We’ve stopped financial assistance for students from poorer families […]
The Government will be forcing unwell children to do competitive sports as part of their ‘make people do things that they’re not up to’ drive. Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith said “They’re faking it. Having temperatures and saying achoo a lot doesn’t mean that they can’t spend two hours a week running around […]
Americans are to get rid of all their guns in order to melt them down and use them to construct one big communally owned gun. A spokesman for the White House told us “It’s just not enough for us to all have guns. We all have to lay our hands on the biggest gun in the […]
Blokes who wear red trousers are exposing themselves and others to a wide variety of health issues according to a report released today by the Department of Health. The report is thought to be the first to make a firm connection between wearing red trousers and symptoms such as sticking out a mile on country […]
1960’s TV desert island castaways the Swiss Family Robinson are understood to have crossed the border in to Syria, in an alarming trend of fictional characters from the west leaving their relatively safe plot lines to join Islamic State. One expert told us that whilst the reasons for their trip were largely unknown he was […]
Fracking is absolutely safe and everyone should be doing it in their own back gardens according to a new report by Lancashire County Council which looks set to be used as a blue print for the country as a whole. The report entitled ‘random drilling and shooting jets of water at great velocity into the […]
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