The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
The fragile recovery of the British economy is said to be in danger unless project managers and their immediate superiors can find a way to stop talking in total gibberish according to a report released this morning. The report states that if unchecked a new breed of middle management may pass their entire career without […]
Bankers’ bonuses are to be paid in cheese according to Prime Minister David Cameron in a surprise U turn regarding the running of the state owned bank RBS. “Legally we can only make RBS do it, but we would urge other city based banks and financial institutions to do the same if they want to […]
Charles Saatchi, his estranged wife Nigella Lawson and their former personal assistants Francesca and Elisabetta Grillo have all been sentenced to fuck the fuck off, in a surprise ruling from Judge Robin Johnson. Passing sentence Judge Johnson said “I can’t be arsed to wait for the jury to make their minds up. I’m overruling any […]
A spokesman for the Association of High Street Retailers has apologised after manufacturing difficulties and unforeseen shipping issues meant that the last ill thought out shitty gift idea box set, that no-one would ever buy with sound mind and nobody would ever want to receive, was sold after a scuffle at Debenhams in Shitterton early […]
Former Co-operative Bank boss Paul Flowers has told critics that the Daily Mail’s recent video of him buying cocaine was part of a double disappointment to him as apparently it wasn’t even good stuff. “I wouldn’t have minded if I had spent the rest of the night bouncing about like the bastard love child of […]
Tesco have answered critics of their new face scan technology and subsequent targeted advertising with the following explanation. “We’re just watching you buy our shit food.” The supermarket giant has come under fire today for it’s new face recognition technology which looks at your face and deep into your soul. It then uses sophisticated technology […]
Are you over 50? Do you live alone? Do your family live a long way away? If so do you own a Michael Parkinson? If not would you like one? If you already own one, would you like to own another one? Well now you can as you may well be entitled to a free […]
Departments store owners John Lewis, Debenhams and Timothy Whites are preparing themselves for record sales of live animals as many of the British public look set to recreate realistic nativity scenes in their own homes, planning to have the whole thing set up by early to mid November. One buyer told us “Many people imagine […]
Customers who disagree with today’s 9.2% pay rise can go and heat their homes and cook their dinner using gas from their own anuses according to a spokesman from British Gas this morning. “We understand public frustration of prices rising faster than incomes. But it’s not our fault that people don’t earn enough. And you […]
Government legislation to charge 5p for plastic bags is set to start a stampede of consumer madness this morning according to shopping experts. One shopper we spoke to was just finishing an excited morning of bag procurement when we spoke to him.”They’re an absolute bargain. I can buy 20 of these polythene bad boys and […]
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