Vegans are planning to take a month off in order to take stock, realign their life goals and eat ham, according to a statement issued today by the vegan society.
Portsmouth locals fury at immigrants cooking with fresh ingredients
February 6, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Portsmouth City Council Leader, Donna Jones, has described reports of immigrants and refugees mitigating the effects of limited financial assistance by creating delicious meals made cheaply out of fresh ingredients, as abhorrent. “Hello. McDonalds. Hello.” She told a heaving press conference in Guildhall square this morning. “Poor people should eat Findus crispy pancakes, white bread […]
Matt Le Blanc in last ditch attempt to flog a dead horse
February 4, 2016 by 1 Comment
Matt Le Blanc has been called in to co-host Top Gear, in a last ditch attempt to flog a dead horse before finally sending it to the knackers yard. A spokesman for the BBC defending the move said “Unless we get casual racism from a big teethy bloke with curly hair, no-ones interested in cars […]
Jeremy Hunt “Parents to perform appendectomies”
February 2, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Parents should routinely perform appendectomies on their children, elderly relatives and indeed themselves rather than stretching valuable NHS resources according to the Secretary of State for Health Jeremy fucking Hunt. Speaking to the cast of Holby City Mr Hunt said “Doctors are all a bit 1990s and people simply don’t need someone fannying about with a […]
Justin’s House front for weed factory
February 1, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Children’s favourite television abode Justin’s House has been exposed as a front for a weed factory according to police sources. A spokesman for the Met told us “The whole place is covered in heavy duty lights, our spotter planes keep picking it up through infa-red detection, it’s a weed factory all day long. I mean, […]
House of Lords to go on strike
January 30, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Members of the House of Lords have warned in no uncertain terms that they will go on strike unless their payment of £300 a day for turning up at the Houses of Parliament is increased. Millionaire conservative donor Lord Farmer said “No-one wants to go on strike but how can anyone survive on £1500 a […]
Immigration policy to be decided by punch up in Dover
January 30, 2016 by Leave a Comment
MPs are anxiously awaiting the results of the punch up in Dover today in order to finalise British policy on immigration. One Dover local said “I had previously regarded the far right with some amusement and I was planning to ignore them and get on with my day. Now it’s all going to be decided […]
Portsmouth Uni to keep Jim Davidson statue
January 30, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Protesters at Portsmouth University have told of their disappointment today at the management’s decision to keep its controversial 20 foot statue of Jim Davidson. A spokesman for the University said that they had listened to the protesters but concluded that they will have all pissed off somewhere else in 3 years time having finished their […]
Trump supporters deny being “A bit simple”
January 28, 2016 by Leave a Comment
Donald Trump supporters throughout the USA have hit back at suggestions that they are a bit simple and probably wouldn’t even find their way to the polling station on election day, should Mr Trump be a candidate for the presidency. One Trump fan told us he was furious at suggestions that the only way they […]
“They’re just a bunch of migrants” says leader of a pack of cunts
January 27, 2016 by 1 Comment
The leader of a monumentally wealthy pack of cunts that have found themselves born into the ruling classes has this morning denounced all Calais refugees as a bunch of migrants. “They’ve been told by that Jeremy Corbyn that they can simply come over here and have free cake.” Mr Cameron explained whilst simultaneously reaching for […]
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