The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
A new study published today has urged people to consider their health and stick to eating animals that have eaten not just five but at least seven portions of fruit and vegetables a day. Lead investigator Dr Oyinlola Oyebode said “We would suggest that people just ate seven portions of fruit and vegetables themselves but […]
A man on the television has today told members of the public that rather than the world heading straight for an environmental apocalypse, it’s actually all going to be fine. Speaking to housewives, the long term unemployed and people taking a crafty sickie, under the guise of a conversation with Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby […]
Atheists are going to have to denounce their secularism and worship a log according to new legislation announced today by Minister for Faith and Communities, Baroness Warsi. Baroness Warsi has denounced atheist academic Richard Dawkins as a “secular fundamentalist”. “We’re going to stamp secular fundamentalism out. If you don’t believe in God, Allah, Buddah or […]
The Conservative party have now cemented their reputation as the Gangsta rap party as pupils from six schools from across the country were yesterday given the opportunity to interview a very blinged up Secretary of State for Education and the Member of Parliament for Surrey Heath Michael Gove. As part of the highly publicised BBC […]
BBC executives have been left fuming following leaked information that this years Masterchef, all filmed in advance, was actually won by a man who used only his anus in preparing all dishes. Set to be shown on TV at some point next week, Surrey man Bert Onions apparently wows the judges and wins his heat […]
Coldplay singer Chris Martin and actress Gwyneth Paltrow have once again given normal people respite from their insignificant little lives by announcing to the worlds media that they have both just taken a shit. The announcement came this morning when a message on on Paltrow’s website informed adoring fans that they couple were engaged in […]
The medical profession has united as one this morning to issue a stark warning to Secretary of State for Health Jeremy Hunt “Don’t ever get ill.” One GP told us “I’ve made it quite clear that whenever I see that Jeremy Hunt, no matter what his affliction, I’m going to repeatedly prescribe him estrogen until […]
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has today outlined measures to streamline the Full English breakfast by removing sausages. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show Mr Osborne said “They’re quite unnecessary. In the eyes of the law, a Full English only has to contain eggs, bacon and one other item. After years of breakfast mismanagement […]
Prime Minister of Turkey Recep Tayyip Erdogan has vowed to “wipe out” all parts of the internet that involve links to videos of cats doing funny things. “I don’t care what the international community says at all. These cats are taking the piss out of me and I’m fed up of people saying I can’t […]
Old people throughout Britain are already starting to piss their pension pots up the wall following Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne’s announcement that they no longer have to buy an annuity with their pension pots and are well within their rights to blow it in one night. One pensioner we spoke to told us […]
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