The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
Rolf Harris has today begun his defence against charges of indecent assault by way of puffing, panting and playing the wobble board whilst simultaneously painting a 24 foot high mural, an action that he says will prove him innocent of all charges. One juror told us of his surprise that instead of cross examining the […]
Former 1990s bland songsmith Gary Barlow has again been criticised today as evidence has emerged that he entered into an OBE giving back avoidance scheme, a scheme so complex that it managed to sidestep all OBE giving back laws and protocol, resulting in the scenario that he still has one. A parliamentary insider explained that […]
Britain’s poorest families have today received a welcome boost to their spirits amidst benefit cuts and food banks at breaking point, as the new Sunday Times rich list published today shows that there’s actually enough money for everybody. Surely it has been argued, none of them would want to keep such an obscene amount of […]
Fans throughout the western world are today looking for a new band to follow and get all excited about after rumours that the band One Direction may or may not have come to a sorry demise, if they had been on a plane and that plane had unfortunately crashed. One tearful fan told us “We […]
UKIP leader Nigel Farage has said that he will instruct party activists to paint 1970s comedian and former generation game host Jim Davidson a shade of brown so he looks a bit foreign. Speaking to a heaving press conference this morning Mr Farage explained “It doesn’t seem to matter what we do, people still think […]
New British hopeful Molly Smitten-Downes has pledged to win the 2013 Eurovision song contest for Britain without singing a note in the conventional sense, but by simply farting along with the background music, in a surprise announcement from the British Eurovision Committee. The singer,aged 26, has welcomed the challenge of representing her country and […]
Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has today urged party activists to start swearing like troopers as he launched the party’s campaign for the English local elections. “We’re not simply a protest vote. We’re the only party you can rely on to break up our otherwise dull manifesto with a liberal sprinkling of profanity along the […]
A group of more than 20 festivals including T in the park and Bestival have banned the practice of sporting long hair. Seen as part of a new drive to make festivals more streamlined and efficient a spokesperson told us: “We’ve no issue with smartly presented boys and girls who’ve come to sensibly listen to […]
Several million retail workers have sent a united message to their non week-end working counterparts, “Fuck you and fuck your bank holiday weekend.” Speaking from behind the counter at a well known chain store and sporting a badge saying “Ask me about some shit or other” a spokesman told us: “The simple fact that many […]
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