Will and Kate taunt poor people with tax payer funded holiday

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have released a series of photographs of their tax payer funded trip to the French Alps in an attempt to taunt poor people and laugh at their angry little faces. “The Duke and Duchess hope you oiky little people enjoy the photos,and subsequently lament your own serfdom.” A Royal […]

Daily Mail readers fury as asylum seekers wear shirts and sip tea

A spokesman for the Home Office has apologised this morning following revelations that a number of asylum seekers were seen sipping tea from cups and wearing shirts. The news comes as some asylum seekers were ferried from London to Manchester in a Hummer, for exactly the same price to the tax-payer as a mini-bus, when […]

More immigrants needed to dilute Daily Mail readers gene pool

The Government are today facing calls to rapidly increase immigration in order to dilute the gene pool of Daily Mail readers, Daily Express readers and UKIPPers, which continues to show no signs of breeding with anyone else apart from other like minded Caucasians with the same newspaper reading habits, often hailing from the same village. […]

Ayatollah Khamenei “Pluto must be reinstated as a planet”

The Supreme Leader of Iran Ayatollah Khamenei has published an open letter to the “Youth in Europe and North America” demanding that they stop ignoring the dwarf planet Pluto and start treating it like any other planet. The letter claims the West is subject to a disinformation campaign from its politicians and criticizes Western media sources […]

Fury as man on benefits spends £640k on Christmas decorations

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith is reported to be incandescent with rage following reports that a man on benefits has adorned his house with Christmas lighting and decorations to an estimated value of £640,000 all at the expense of the public purse. Colin Darr of Whiteley Hampshire recently hit the headlines after managing […]

Daily Mail readers to get own parliament

Daily Mail readers are to get their own parliament as discussions regarding regional devolution progress and following the acceptance that some people live not in a particular geographical location, but in a mythical version of Britain that is only in their head. A spokesman for the Daily Mail has described the move as a victory […]

Islamic state space hopper attack imminent

  A covert attack on Britain from terrorist cell Islamic State is likely to involve the use of 1970s Space Hoppers, according to intelligence sources. “Space Hoppers are such an intrinsic part of British culture that an entire army of jihadists could bounce into a city centre without people raising so much as an eye […]

May “British people could emigrate to make more room for immigrants”

Do you like icebergs? Cacti? Foreign languages?  Paté? Well emigrating may well be the answer according to a new Government think tank who are recommending a drive to lessen net immigration figures, by asking indigenous Brits to move out for a while to make a little more room. Home secretary Theresa May explained “We can’t stop […]

New right wing Owen Jones accepts job with Daily Mail

Formerly left wing journalist Owen Jones has confirmed that he will be accepting a full time position with the Daily Mail and has adopted right wing knee jerk political leanings in accordance with their standard policy. Mr Jones has said he will be looking forward to “exposing the nanny state” and battling against “political correctness […]

“What’s wrong with us?” demand Government as Romanians fail to arrive

The Romanian and Bulgarian ambassadors to Britain have been summoned to Downing street for urgent talks this morning following the complete absence of the stampede of immigrants expected on New Years day. Prime Minister David Cameron explained “We were supposed to wake up on New years day to find them all camping on roundabouts and […]