The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
A spokesman from St Mary’s Hospital has today confirmed that Princess Kate’s labour will indeed be enhanced by musician and television presenter Jools Holland playing a variety of boogie woogie classics in time with the contractions. A music industry insider told us “It’s difficult to say no to Jools. Whenever any band starts to make […]
His Royal Highness Prince Charles has today urged the public to ignore scientifically proven cures for illnesses and instead rely on sugar pills soaked with water, that may have been in the same jug as some water that may have touched an ingredient which is not proven in anyway to cure the affliction in question. […]
The English Defence League have declared war on each other as the last few days of scorching weather have resulted in their own members looking from a distance like they might come from Spain, Italy or Portugal. This mornings march reportedly descended into violence after each protester mistakenly believed that the group had been taken […]
The British Broadcasting Corporation have been forced to apologise this morning to disgruntled pensioner Edna Onions who has complained that the entire cast of every programme, drama or news item has resorted to mumbling, leaving it impossible to decipher a single word that is being said. “I think it’s disgraceful. People on television used to […]
Prime Minister David Cameron has applauded the efforts of anti smoking groups over the last 50 years and asked them to join him in his new venture ‘Lets get Britain smoking again’. In an apparent change of direction that is absolutely in no way connected to any of his advisers being on the pay roll […]
British scientists have hailed the arrival of a new diet that if followed correctly has a 100% success rate for losing weight and could completely eradicate the UK’s obesity crisis. Dubbed the “Eat less, Poo more” diet as it involves a combination of eating less food and passing more stools, it is already popular […]
MPs will soon be earning enough to be able to have a wank in a big pile of cash according to a new report announced today by the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority. In a move that will prove popular with proponents of unequal distribution of public funds and vigorous masturbation alike, a spokesman for the […]
Ed Miliband has pledged today to finally end the practice of individuals having extra votes on Labour party matters simply due to coming from the Northern half of England. At present every Labour party member is entitled to one vote. However if he lives or comes from anywhere between Derby and Carlisle he will be […]
Employers have come together to agree an impromptu day off for all workers tomorrow. A spokesman for the National Union of Bosses told us. “It’s been a lovely day, and people have obviously had a few beers after lunch, so we’re willing to draw a blind eye if people can’t be arsed to come in. […]
The new Labour candidate for the constituency of Falkirk is to be decided through an old fashioned punch up according to Labour sources. In what is seen to be the biggest test of his leadership since pulling the rug from under his brothers feet, Ed Miliband told a heaving press conference “Eric Joyce used to […]
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