The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
Almost half of England’s school districts have more potential gang members than gang places according to the latest figures released by the Local Government Association this morning. David Simmonds of the LGA told us “Mums and dads want to know that there’s a good quality gang in their neighbourhood where their children can tool themselves up […]
Poor people should be making nutritious meals out of their household pets according to TV chef Jamie Oliver. Taking a break from a busy day of shouting at patrons of a kebab shop in Basildon through a megaphone, the mockney grub stirrer told us “It’s outrageous. I visited some poor people as part of my […]
Simon Cowell was said this morning to be “livid” regarding a surprise change to the Channel 4 schedule which will involve a screening of a man taking a dump into a bucket. It’s thought that this will be shown at the same time as every X factor episode throughout the new series, and that the […]
Prime Minister David Cameron has declared war on himself and advised that all other Conservative Party members do the same. Speaking at a press conference this morning the beleaguered Premier explained “We want a war. Labour did it. And we’re supposed to be the war party. And if Parliament won’t allow us to invade anywhere else […]
Barack Obama and David Cameron have today indicated that they will join forces to drop bombs on the rogue state of Puppet Island, with or without a United Nations resolution. In a joint statement, said in unison, the two premiers told a packed press conference “We’ve got loads of missiles and it’s time to pile in […]
Environment Secretary Owen Paterson has been torn to shreds by badgers in an unexpected turn to the badger cull saga. It’s thought that a number of badgers managed to gain access to the Department of the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs by disguising themselves as beagles and opportunistically following a man in a red suit […]
Edinburgh Zoo has today become the focus for world wide condemnation on the news that yet another panda has exhibited loose morals and managed to get themselves up the duff. An editorial in the Daily Mail has explained “They dress provocatively and they only get themselves pregnant in order to get a larger enclosure in […]
Furniture stores have been brokering deals with Satan to coerce people into buying sofas on bank holidays through practice of the dark arts, according to the Office of Fair Trading. A spokesman for the OFT told us “Who would even think about buying an expensive sofa on a bank holiday if they were not being […]
The Crown Prosecution Service have confirmed today that they will be dropping all charges of historic racism against the comedian Jim Davidson. A spokesman confirmed “Much of the evidence appeared to be made up of hearsay and tittle tattle so it makes any conviction completely unsound. As long as you ignore his videos or anything […]
Prison populations are said to be at ‘bursting point’ following David Cameron’s decision to allow over 70s on juries which has unexpectedly resulted in everyone being found guilty. Defendants in crown court have been told to expect long sentences on the grounds that “They all do don’t they, they’ve never had to do national service and […]
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