The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
A large company has today taken the edge of its employees’ anguish at working for the minimum wage at the most expensive time of year by making them wear Christmas hats. In a memo to all employees a spokesman for the company’s senior management and directors said “We’re not giving you a pay rise or […]
Father Christmas will be expected to report all persons suspected of not being from round here and not being in possession of the relevant papers, according to new Government legislation announced this morning. Home Secretary Theresa May said that anyone thinking they could just come over here and enjoy a pagan festival which was hijacked […]
Climate change is simply stuff’n’nonsense peddled by hippies to mask the real issue that they need to get a job and a haircut, the world climate summit in Paris has concluded today. Representatives from over 200 countries, who had all flown to Paris by plane, are thought to have spent several minutes standing outside in […]
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has this morning ruled out any state assistance for northerners with fancy water houses which enjoy running water of up to 3 feet high through the downstairs rooms. “I’m all for a northern powerhouse but if they think we’re paying for their oop North surrogate Venice then they can […]
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has pleaded for the world to join hands and assist him in the creation of a peaceful loving world, brought about through overt racism and endemic firearm use. Known in the USA as Donald Trumpety-Trump, the toupeed statesman who inherited his fortune, said “If everyone can just look into their […]
Former Prime Minister Tony Blair is reportedly having a wank in a big pile of bombs and fast approaching his vinegar strokes. Speaking from outside one of Mr Blair’s homes, where he is reportedly locked in the khasi along with a stash of missiles, a portable TV and a multi-pack of Andrex, a close confidante […]
Cyclists don’t need lights on their bikes at night because they’re special a new report has concluded. A spokesman for the National Association of special cyclists said “In the 1970s and 80s it was all about having a big light on the front, one on the back, reflectors and high visibility jackets and armbands. “Get […]
Britain is to bomb all countries that have venomous snakes in order to stop them biting people once and for all according to Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking to a a packed press conference outside a COBRA meeting the premier said “We’re only going to be bombing countries that have these dangerous serpents. It’s the […]
A spokesman for Lakeside shopping centre has confirmed that Sisters of Mercy will be playing live in the shopping centre throughout Black Friday in what will be one of their longest shows ever and free of charge to all bargain hunters. “It’s always manic in here on Black Friday, but with an ageing Andrew Eldritch […]
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has told an undercover reporter posing as a dominatrix that he has “been a very bad chancellor” and should be “given a proper going over with a leather thwacky thing” for his mismanagement of the economy and total reliance on cutting public services. In contradiction to his confident air […]
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