Pub beer gardens to ban farting

Farting is set to be banned in pub beer gardens following a report released today by the Royal Society for Public Health who said that the practise should be seen as “abnormal” and more controls are needed to cover areas where people gather. Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt said that regrettably despite Government intervention, people were […]

New cabinet thinly veiled front for Dalek invasion

David Cameron’s new cabinet is merely a front for a Dalek invasion designed to destroy the word and everything in it according to according to former Doctor Who Christopher Eccleston. Speaking to John Humphreys on his Today Programme Mr Eccleston said “You don’t get to be Doctor Who for a whole series without noticing when […]

Cameron pledges more resources to lying about NHS

A Conservative only Government will earmark extra funding to lying about the NHS according to Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking at the party’s spring forum Mr Cameron said “The NHS is very important to me and we want to keep it as a lovely memory. I for one am going to look back on it […]

Jeremy Hunt must have camera inserted in his arse say Doctors

Jeremy Hunt must have a camera inserted into his anal passage as a matter of urgency according to Doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals. A spokesman for St Mary’s hospital Paddington said “We can confirm that we will be sending out an ambulance to pick up Mr Hunt with a mind to bringing him to […]

Hunt to tackle ebola with cuts and privatisation

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has vowed to tackle the threat of an ebola epidemic in Britain through a series of stringent cuts, pay freezes and gradual privatisation of the Health Service. Speaking on the set of the Andrew Marr show and ignoring the fact that neither Marr nor any camera crew were present Mr Hunt […]

Reiki Healers and Homeopaths to cover NHS strike

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has vowed that medical services throughout the UK will continue unfettered, despite the forthcoming NHS strike, thanks to an army of Reiki Healers, homeopaths and crystal therapists who are to be brought in to cover. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show Mr Hunt assured the public that whilst the replacement service […]

Reiki healers urged to help with ebola epidemic

Prime Minister David Cameron has promised to help Britain’s best Reiki healers to fly over to West Africa to help with the Ebola virus outbreak. “We haven’t tried connecting sufferers with their inner wholeness. As far as we can work out the World Health Organisation has no strategy for tackling the virus through intangible energy […]

“Don’t ever get ill” Doctors tell Jeremy Hunt

The medical profession has united as one this morning to issue a stark warning to Secretary of State for Health  Jeremy Hunt “Don’t ever get ill.” One GP told us “I’ve made it quite clear that whenever I see that Jeremy Hunt, no matter what his affliction, I’m going to repeatedly prescribe him estrogen until […]

Premium rate Government lines must also offer sex chat

The Cabinet Office has announced that high cost phone lines which have overcharged victims of crime, widows and students are highly inappropriate, unless accompanied with some sort of verbal porn, preferably from the Ministers and heads of department themselves. David Cameron said yesterday that entirely free phone lines should be considered when callers are likely to […]

Government announce new Free Hospitals with unqualified Doctors

Secretary of State for Health Jeremy Hunt has this morning announced the opening of new free hospitals staffed by unqualified doctors and nurses in order to maximise round the clock care for patients. “You’ve got a choice of waiting months for an operation by a so called qualified surgeon or you can be operated on […]