Nick Clegg “A free beaver for every voter”

Deputy Prime Minister and Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg  has made an impassioned plea for the return of his lost supporters in time for the European and Local elections by offering a free beaver for every voter. Seen by some as a risky ploy which if not successful could be referred to in the future […]

Farage “We must shut our borders and interbreed until we grow extra fingers”

Britain must shut it’s borders indefinitely and let British people interbreed until they all grow at least one extra finger according to UKIP leader Nigel Farage. Speaking this evening during his debate on Europe with Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg, Mr Farage told us “We need to shut the ports, close the airports and fester […]

Nick Clegg to go into coalition with an independent Scotland

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has signalled that the Lib Dems may go into Coalition with an independent Scotland depending on the results of September’s referendum. “They’ll need our moderating influence, otherwise they’ll just be far too Scottish. They need us.” Mr Clegg has already ruffled feathers within the Lib Dems by not only changing […]

Only Danny Alexander left in Lib Dems by 2015

Danny Alexander is likely to be the only remaining member of The Liberal Democratic Party by 2015 according to a leading political think tank entrusted to predict who exactly is going to be left in the Liberal Democratic party by 2015. In a statement released this morning, the think tank argues “We have reason to […]

Cameron teaches Clegg to say “sausages”

Months of speculation as to the exact nature of Prime Minister David Cameron’s private meetings with Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, came to an end today as it transpired that Mr Cameron has been teaching Mr Clegg to say ‘Sausages’. A conservative party insider told us “Our plans to ridicule the Lib Dems have backfired […]

Public stampede to buy 5p bags

Government legislation to charge 5p for plastic bags is set to start a stampede of consumer madness this morning according to shopping experts. One shopper we spoke to was just finishing an excited morning of bag procurement when we spoke to him.”They’re an absolute bargain. I can buy 20 of these polythene bad boys and […]

MPs having a wank in a big pile of cash

MPs will soon be earning enough to be able to have a wank in a big pile of cash according to a new report announced today by the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority. In a move that will prove popular with proponents of unequal distribution of public funds and vigorous masturbation alike, a spokesman for the […]

David Cameron “You’ll have to winkle us out with a shitty stick”

Prime Minister David Cameron has said the coalition will continue ‘right up until polling day’ in 2015 and has issued a stark message to party dissenters and the British public alike “You’ll have to winkle us out with a shitty stick.” “We’ve had some disagreements within the the coalition and even within the party but […]

Lib Dems to diversify into making cheese

Senior Liberal Democrats have today warned members that the party no longer has enough support to be viable as a political institution alone, and as a result should also start making cheese.   Speaking at their spring conference Party leader and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg underlined the reasons behind the changes. “Jessops, Blockbuster and Comet […]

Lord Rennard blames ‘arse biting chickens’

Ex-Lib Dem chief executive Lord Rennard has today refuted allegations of sexual impropriety, blaming a rare breed of ‘arse biting chicken’ for any inappropriateness.  His shorter than expected statement “It wasn’t me. It was the arse biting chickens”  has surprised the political world and left the results of the forthcoming Eastleigh by-election ever more difficult […]