The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
Sexually promiscuous people trying to pick up a dose of gonorrhoea have been urged to get on with it, whilst it can still be cured in the event that they decide afterwards that they don’t actually like it and want to get better. A spokesman for the Department of Health told us “Right now we […]
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has confirmed today that the Government will sort out all the recent flooding by way of a series of harsh cuts in public spending. Speaking to people in the north of England via the television, where he was being interviewed in a nice dry government building in a city […]
All disaffected youth are to be made to watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang as part of moves announced today by the Government to cut crime to levels to those found in 1960’s musicals. Justice Secretary Michael Gove said “We need to return to a golden age where Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Mary Poppins and The […]
Police forces throughout the country have been arresting their last burglars this afternoon before signing off at about 3ish for a well earned two week Christmas break. “I’m sure it’ll be fine” One custody sergeant told us “Theresa May thinks we only need about two policemen to keep the country safe anyway, and there’s bound […]
Despite the fact that the shops are shut for a day on Friday there are still a few more days to run around panic buying shit according to retailers. A spokesman for the National Association of Generic Shopping Centres said “If you ran around yesterday buying ill thought out presents and you’ve woken up this […]
Pope Francis has recognised a miracle attributed to Paul Daniels, clearing the way for him to be made a saint next year. “The Holy Father has authorised the Congregation for the Causes of Saints to proclaim the decree concerning the miracle attributed to the intercession of blessed Paul Daniels with able assistance from Debbie McGee” […]
Russian people are going to have to have either goose or duck for their Christmas dinner following reports that President Putin has banned all feasting on flappy necked birds between Christmas eve and Boxing day. “Anyone planning to celebrate Christmas with a roasted bird that goes by the same name as a country we have […]
A large company has today taken the edge of its employees’ anguish at working for the minimum wage at the most expensive time of year by making them wear Christmas hats. In a memo to all employees a spokesman for the company’s senior management and directors said “We’re not giving you a pay rise or […]
Father Christmas will be expected to report all persons suspected of not being from round here and not being in possession of the relevant papers, according to new Government legislation announced this morning. Home Secretary Theresa May said that anyone thinking they could just come over here and enjoy a pagan festival which was hijacked […]
Climate change is simply stuff’n’nonsense peddled by hippies to mask the real issue that they need to get a job and a haircut, the world climate summit in Paris has concluded today. Representatives from over 200 countries, who had all flown to Paris by plane, are thought to have spent several minutes standing outside in […]
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