The news 'they' don't want you to hear. Because it isn't true.
The Crown Prosecution Service this morning admitted that they were “unsure as how best to proceed” after the catalogue of accusations against the late Sir Jimmy Saville have now extended to more recent offences from beyond the grave. “Despite being dead” we were told “it appears that Sir Jimmy is still up to his old […]
Fracking protesters in the village of Balcombe have this morning indicated that they are ‘in it for the long haul’ and by October, when it is too cold to continue camping, will move their protest to surrounding 3 star hotels. One such protester Gandalf Trustfund told us “If you think we’re going to sit around […]
The management at Endemol were left red faced this morning as it emerged that their entire staff team had all decided to take their summer holiday at the same time, leaving the remaining housemates without food, water and far more dangerously, without attention. “It’s a terrible cock-up” Emma Willis, who apparently now presents the show […]
Religious leaders from all faiths have been asked to prove the existence of their various deities by the end of the month or refrain from wittering on and wearing silly hats, according to new Government measures announced this morning. A spokesman for the Coalition confirmed “Obviously we were going to have to legislate it sooner […]
It starts out as fun, then you have to pay money, then you find out we are descendants of aliens. Only when you finally decide it’s all bollocks and decide to knock the whole thing on the head that you start to get vans with blacked out windows permanently parked outside your house. To make […]
The Government has today responded to public dissatisfaction with rail increases with a clear message. “Don’t worry about tickets, you can just bunk the train.” Speaking at this morning’s press conference Transport Secretary Patrick McLoughlin, who sets the rules on fares, said “I know I’ve given the OK for higher ticket prices but now it’s all […]
Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that he will personally give every member of the public a free bicycle under a new Government initiative unveiled today. Speaking at a press conference this morning Mr Cameron said the new funding would provide a “Cycling revolution like the one they had in china.” “Bicycles are great.” he […]
Senior Shadow cabinet members are said to be highly disappointed at yesterdays decision by Ed Miliband to completely stop speaking, both privately and publicly. A close family source said “It started over Sunday lunch when he refused to confirm or deny whether he would like another roast potato. Since then he has answered the phone […]
Eddie Shah has controversially blamed himself for any occasions when he may have abused himself. “There may have been nights when I have gone out actively seeking my own company. I mean look at the way I’m dressed. I’m clearly going to give myself the wrong idea or the right idea as the case may […]
Old people should try and keep their drinking down to around the 8 pint a night mark or risk health difficulties when they’re even older, according to research published this morning. Dr Graeme Wilson, from Newcastle University’s Institute of Health and Society, said: “These people are made from tough stuff, they hail from an age […]
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