Parents stampede to enrol their children in the best gangs

Almost half of England’s school districts have more potential gang members  than gang places  according to the latest figures released by the Local Government Association this morning. David Simmonds of the LGA told us  “Mums and dads want to know that there’s a good quality gang in their neighbourhood where their children can tool themselves up […]

“Just Bunk the train” says Transport Secretary

The Government has today responded to public dissatisfaction with rail increases with a clear message. “Don’t worry about tickets, you can just bunk the train.” Speaking at this morning’s press conference Transport Secretary Patrick McLoughlin, who sets the rules on fares, said “I know I’ve given the OK for higher ticket prices but now it’s all […]

Drug use at an all time low as young people discover lying

The proportion of adults who tell Policemen that they use illegal drugs has fallen to its lowest level since records began, according to the latest crime survey for England and Wales. The report states that drug use is now at it’s lowest since 1996, a notoriously well behaved year when absolutely no one took drugs […]

Ed Miliband to ban multiple votes for northerners

Ed Miliband has pledged today to finally end the practice of individuals having extra votes on Labour party matters simply due to coming from the Northern half of England. At present every Labour party member is entitled to one vote. However if he lives or comes from anywhere between Derby and Carlisle he will be […]

Birmingham to get new accent

Residents of Birmingham and the surrounding provinces have been awarded a Government grant for a new accent as part of a new initiative announced today by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne. Speaking at a this morning’s press conference Mr Osborne told us “We all know that times are hard but we need a high […]

‘All drug dealers must have licenses’ say Glastonbury organisers

Anyone expecting to arrive at Glastonbury festival with a big bag of drugs and the intention of selling them to revelers are going to have to have a license according to an announcement today from organisers. Throughout the duration of the festival anyone caught dealing without a license will be given 24 hours to apply […]

David Beckham quits football to take drugs and go raving

David Beckham is to retire from football at the end of this season after an illustrious 20-year career, to follow his dream of getting absolutely munted on a cocktail of narcotics and attending all night raves. Reportedly ‘insanely jealous’ of ravers who get to stay up all night, whilst he has had to get an […]

“Isle of Wight has weapons of mass destruction” warns Barack Obama

A US invasion of the Isle of Wight became ever more imminent today as President Barack Obama warned that there may or may not be some intelligence to suggest that the pariah Island may have weapons of mass destruction. Speaking at a press conference this morning Mr Obama stated “We have varying degrees of confidence […]

World wide protests at Justin Bieber’s shit birthday

The worlds population as a whole have been urged to ‘remain calm’ as shockwaves resulting from teen crooner Justin Bieber’s ‘worst birthday ever’ have caused worldwide protests. Up to a quarter of the worlds population put aside the fact that many are living in absolute poverty and suffering the end of a global recession, to […]

More threesomes expected in government U-turn on married persons allowance

Middle England is predicted to turn its back on traditional family values and instead follow bohemian alternative lifestyles, as Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that the Government will no longer be introducing a tax break for married couples in next months budget. The U-turn is widely feared to open the flood gates for threesomes, […]